Learning small talk - 10 helpful tips and 10 common mistakes
Good small talk? Many people find this difficult. Very few are naturally talkative. But that doesn't matter, because small talk is easy to learn.
With a few helpful tips and a little practice, nothing will stand in the way of your next casual conversation with your colleague, neighbor, or even a face-to-face meeting with someone you met online.
Learn small talk with 10 tips
Want to finally learn how to make small talk? Let's go! With a little practice and these 10 tips, you're sure to succeed.
1. Jump right into the conversation
Every beginning is difficult, and that also applies to small talk. Most people find it particularly difficult to start a conversation. Approaching a stranger takes a lot of effort and courage. Our advice: the longer you delay the situation, the more nervous you will become. So it's better to get started right away than to wait too long.
2. Find the right small talk topic
Starting the conversation right away is all well and good, but what should you talk about? If you want to learn small talk, you should definitely think about a suitable topic of conversation. A good way to start is always to introduce yourself by name. What do you do for a living and why are you here today? If you start with that, the ice is usually broken. Other popular small talk topics include:
Hobbies and interests: Everyone has something they particularly enjoy doing. Hobbies and interests are therefore good topics for small talk.
Career: “What do you do for a living?” Your job is by far the most popular topic of small talk.
Good movies, books, and music: Before you dive too deep into this topic and launch into a long monologue about your favorite TV series, you should check whether your conversation partner is also interested in it.
The weather: The absolute classic among small talk topics, but still a popular choice.
Current events: What's going on in Germany and around the world right now? Did you hear something interesting on the radio on your way to the meeting? Then just make it the topic of your conversation.
Other people: Do you have a mutual friend from school or know each other through a coworker? Mutual contacts are always a good way to make small talk. Of course, the rule here is: no gossip!
3. Learning small talk: Ask open-ended questions
Awkward silences are always uncomfortable. But did you know that you can easily prevent them? By asking open-ended questions instead of just yes/no questions, you can easily keep the conversation flowing.
Our tips for open-ended questions:
Instead of: “Did you have a good day?” try: “What did you get up to today?”
“What kind of music do you like best?” is better than: “Do you like this song?”
With: “What's your favorite food?” you can keep the conversation going better than with: “Do you like the food as much as I do?”
4. Show interest
If the other person feels that you are not interested in what they are saying, the conversation will be very short. If you want to learn how to make good small talk, it is therefore very important to show genuine interest. The easiest way to do this is by:
Avoiding a defensive body posture! Turn your body towards the person you want to talk to.
Do not cross your arms in front of your body. This can quickly come across as dismissive.
You can also achieve a lot with your gestures. An approving nod or a brief smile signals interest.
Ask questions about what your conversation partner is telling you. Of course, only ask questions that you are genuinely interested in. Feigned interest will always be revealed sooner or later.
5. Smile
It sounds so simple, yet it is so effective. Even a sincere, friendly smile can go a long way during a conversation.
And the best part is: you kill two birds with one stone. Smiling not only makes you more likable to the person you are talking to, but also makes you feel much better yourself.
6. Practice small talk at home
Have you ever stood in front of the mirror at home and just chatted with yourself a little? What may seem a little strange and uncomfortable at first glance is actually a great way to practice casual small talk. And if you don't want to talk to yourself, ask a good friend to help you. Learning together is much more fun anyway.
7. Listen
Speech is silver, silence is golden. This well-known saying also applies to casual conversation. Of course, this does not mean that you should just sit there silently and listen to your conversation partner talk. On the other hand, small talk should not consist of you giving a monologue and the other person not getting a word in edgewise.
Try to find a balance between listening and speaking. A deep yawn or a distracted look are signs that it's time to let the other person say something again.
8. Approach small talk with a positive attitude
“Oh dear, I've never been good at this!” If you start small talk with this attitude, you're sure to fail. Our tip is therefore: approach the conversation with a positive and open mind. Who knows, maybe you'll discover a whole new side to the person, or you'll both share a hobby that you didn't know about before. Without a positive and open attitude, you'll never find out.
9. Focus on the other person
“What should I say next?”, “What does he think of me right now?” and “I hope no one notices how shy I am!” Such thought patterns should be a thing of the past from now on.
During the conversation, try not to think about yourself all the time, but focus on the other person. What are they saying? How are they behaving and how do they feel right now? These questions provide helpful insights for your small talk.
10. This helps with a blackout
Have you ever had a blackout? A total failure where your head was suddenly empty? This situation is probably the worst thing for most people. But it has probably happened to everyone at some point. Our tip for a blackout during small talk is therefore: just talk about it! Say quite casually: “I've completely lost my train of thought! Where were we?” Everyone will certainly understand your little slip-up, and your open and honest manner will earn you extra sympathy points.
The 10 typical mistakes in small talk
Many people shy away from casual conversation with strangers for fear of saying the wrong thing. However, most mistakes can be easily avoided:
1. Know-it-all attitude
There is hardly anything more annoying than a conversation partner who constantly knows everything better. No one likes to talk to someone who constantly lectures them and makes them feel like they don't know anything.
2. Bringing up controversial topics
Topics such as money, relationships, religion, or personal problems have no place in casual small talk. There is too great a risk that you will both have different opinions and the casual conversation will drift into a heated discussion.
3. Self-love
“I already know that!”, “I always do that too!”, “Unbelievable what I experienced again today!” Talking only about yourself rarely goes down well in a conversation. It's better to let your conversation partner find out for themselves how great you are, rather than rubbing it in their face so obviously.
4. Complaining and whining
Sure, everyone has a bad day sometimes, and every now and then you need to be able to let it all out. However, small talk is not the right occasion for this. It's better to pour your heart out to a good friend than to a complete stranger.
5. Looking at your cell phone
Pulling out your cell phone every now and then during a conversation to check your messages? An absolute no-go. This clearly signals to the other person that the messages on your phone are more exciting than the conversation. Definitely not a good starting point for successful small talk.
6. Constantly contradicting
“No, that's not true!” “I see it differently!” Someone who constantly contradicts and insists on imposing their opinion comes across as argumentative and unapproachable rather than likable. If you notice that you simply cannot agree on something, it is better to skillfully change the subject instead of trying to convince the other person of your opinion at all costs.
7. A no-go in small talk: giving monologues
The goal of small talk is to get to know the other person better. How can you learn anything about your conversation partner if you don't let them get a word in edgewise? So feel free to talk about yourself, but also ask questions and listen attentively while the other person is speaking.
8. Overthinking
A mistake most people make in small talk is that they think about it too much. Worried about doing or saying something wrong, we analyze our every action in detail, so that in the end we come across as totally tense and uptight. And even worse: if your head is so busy overthinking, you can no longer concentrate on what the other person has to say.
9. Hiding emotions
When making small talk, you shouldn't show any emotions, because you don't know the person yet. Nonsense! Emotions are essential for getting to know people and developing sympathy.
10. Wanting to have the perfect conversation
A casual conversation is not a competition to see who can make the smartest and most interesting contribution. Rather, it's about having a relaxed conversation and getting to know the other person better.
When does small talk become flirting?
Whether with colleagues at work, while shopping at the supermarket checkout, or during your daily chat with the friendly barista at the coffee shop on the corner, small talk is necessary in many different situations in life. You can't avoid it when it comes to finding a partner either. Almost every flirt begins with a completely noncommittal conversation. If both parties realize during their conversation that they like each other, then the casual conversation quickly turns into real flirting. You can recognize it by these 5 signs:
1. Eye contact
While you tend to look at the other person's face during a casual conversation, when flirting, your gaze usually wanders directly to their eyes.
2. The topics of conversation change
When a casual conversation turns into flirting, the topics of conversation also change. Often, the conversation will focus more on your relationship status or your own opinion on dating. Popular topics also include prejudices about men and women, as well as bad flirting experiences.
3. Light physical contact during small talk
Physical contact has no place in normal small talk. If he briefly touches your hand or strokes your arm during the conversation, these can be the first signs that your conversation is turning into a flirtation.
4. Mutual compliments
If he compliments you, comments on your pretty dress, or emphasizes how good you look, this is another sign of flirtation.
5. Teasing and little jokes
There's a reason why they say: those who love each other tease each other. Little jokes and mutual teasing are a commonly used method to cover up one's own tension and insecurity. It also shows that you both have a similar sense of humor and find each other attractive.
Conclusion: See every conversation as an opportunity!
Good small talk is not rocket science. As with many other things, practice makes perfect. So take advantage of every situation that presents itself to learn how to make casual conversation.
Don't see it as a chore, but as a real opportunity to get to know the other person better and gain new and exciting experiences. Who knows, maybe one of your conversation partners could even turn out to be your soulmate...
