Emotional blackmail: reasons, characteristics, and ways out
Emotional blackmail is not uncommon in relationships. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is—parents, partners, siblings, friends. Individuality is still very important, because manipulation in emotional blackmail can take many different forms.
It is intended to make you feel obligated to do something against your will in order to meet your partner's expectations at all times.
What is emotional blackmail?
Emotional blackmail is defined as one person attempting to strategically manipulate another through their feelings. If the victim does not do exactly what the blackmailer demands, they are burdened with strong negative feelings.
"If you really loved me, you wouldn't do something like this.“
”I never would have thought you capable of something like this.“
”I do so much for you, and what do you do?"
What is behind it? - Put simply, it is an emotional dependency that can move in two directions. On the one hand, there is the fear of loss, and on the other, there is the desire for unrelenting love. The problem is a lack of communication and miscommunication. Partners who use emotional blackmail are clearly unable to formulate their demands clearly and directly.
In addition, they see themselves in the role of the victim. Advanced emotional blackmail can be defined by far-reaching consequences.
"If you don't support me in this, I don't know if we can still be together."
The victim (even if they don't really want to) puts up with this in order to avoid further conflict and not hurt their partner. This asymmetry of information suggests to the emotional blackmailer that they have the right to behave in this way. This gives the victim the feeling that they owe the other person something.
5 reasons for emotional blackmail in a relationship
Are you wondering why your partner started emotionally blackmailing you in the first place? It's definitely not because they hate you—quite the opposite, in fact.
Fear of loss: They use emotional blackmail because they are afraid of losing you.
Feeling of neglect: When one of the partners in the relationship feels neglected.
Lack of support: The blackmailer feels that they are being treated unfairly and not supported enough.
Lack of communication: If there is too little communication in the relationship, misunderstandings can quickly arise. This is a breeding ground for emotional blackmail.
Both are “to blame”: Emotional blackmail always involves two people. The ‘blackmailer’ can only blackmail if the “victim” allows themselves to be blackmailed.
These 7 signs will help you recognize emotional blackmail
When dealing with this issue, it is very important to separate accusations from facts, so you should pay attention to these 7 signs to recognize whether your partner is emotionally blackmailing you.
1. Anger
Do you constantly put your needs on the back burner? This can lead to subliminal aggression. For example, if you get angry and upset just by being around your partner, you have already discovered the first sign.
2. Avoiding conflict
Not only do you always give in to your partner's wishes, but you have reached a point where you give in from the outset and avoid conflict. You know it always ends up the same way and what you want is not even up for discussion.
3. Feelings of guilt
Do you constantly feel guilty? No wonder, because your partner is constantly trying to impose their will on you.
4. Self-doubt
We humans often tend to compare ourselves to others, and the feeling of not being good enough or failing is constantly present. Your partner makes you feel this by frequently comparing you to others and claiming that they can do everything better than you.
5. Constant demands
Your partner makes demands—all the time. No matter what you do, how you do it, or why you do it. Your partner will always have something against it and push their will through. This also includes constant consideration as a demand. “I work 12 hours every day, so dinner could be on the table, but you don't pay attention to things like that anyway.”
6. Pressure
The countless demands and expectations make you feel constantly under pressure. Your partner pushes themselves to the forefront and the constant blame puts a strain on you and your relationship.
7. High expectations
Expectations are very important in emotional blackmail. After all, you are made to feel that you are to blame for everything and that you should adjust your expectations of your partner, because from the blackmailer's point of view, you are not prioritizing things the way your partner wants you to.
7 ways to escape emotional blackmail
1. Set goals
Don't rush into anything; instead, think carefully about how you want to proceed in order to escape emotional blackmail. Caution is the key word here, because emotional dependence cannot be resolved overnight.
2. Observation
Analyze exactly when your partner starts to emotionally blackmail you. Is it because of their own dissatisfaction? Are you the outlet and do you get the brunt of it? Does it happen during stressful periods? Be particularly attentive to these things.
3. Information
You now know what you are dealing with, but multiple sources of information are not enough. This will allow you to better assess the situation and react agilely.
4. Communication behavior
You have been communicating with your partner for weeks or months. But you are not the problem, the blackmailer is, because they are unable to say what they want. Get them to talk by calming your partner down in these situations and responding to what they are currently demanding. Be defensively active, so you can break through the emotional dependence bit by bit.
5. Defuse the pressure
It's another heated discussion and your partner wants you to give in and do what they want – for the 100th time? Then defuse the situation by remaining objective, doing a few small things to calmly think about the situation again. This will enable you to come up with a proper response afterwards and not give in.
6. Perseverance
It takes time to get your partner to stop emotionally blackmailing you. It takes perseverance and patience to achieve this goal together. You both need to work on yourselves and learn to communicate with each other and respond to each other's needs.
7. Consequences
If you can't take it anymore and your partner simply refuses to understand that you are suffering and you don't know what to do, then it's time to take action. Take a break from the relationship. If the emotional blackmail is so extreme that you can no longer bear it, then you should consider ending the relationship.
