Choosing a partner: What should you look for to find the right one?
Choosing the right partner is something we all think about at some point. How often have you asked yourself, “Are we right for each other?” So let's get this straight: What exactly is important when choosing a partner? What factors determine whether someone is right for us or not?
The choice of partner has been a topic of interest to scientists and psychologists for quite some time. We have listed the most important findings for you here—along with tips on what to look for when choosing a partner.
Choosing a partner from a scientific perspective
Opposites attract? Not necessarily!
Everyone is familiar with this saying, but it is less applicable when it comes to choosing the right partner. Researchers point out that we find the scent of a potential partner more attractive when their gene pool differs from our own. But that's where the similarities end.
Birds of a feather flock together when choosing a partner
This is the saying that is more likely to apply to choosing the right partner. A large number of studies point to this: shared interests, values, morals, or a similar social environment are crucial for the success of a partnership.
Sympathy research has also come to this conclusion: the more similarities we find with our counterpart, the more likable we find them. This was discovered by American social psychologist Donn Byrne.
Are we compatible? The 7 most important factors for choosing a partner
1. Personality
A recent YouGov survey of 2,000 respondents found that Germans consider the personality of their partner to be the most important factor when choosing a partner. This was stated by 56% of women and 51% of men. It is therefore extremely important to be “on the same wavelength” as your partner.
2. How important is appearance when choosing a partner?
Appearance is also an important factor for us when choosing a partner. After all, it's the first thing you notice about a potential partner. Evolution plays a role here: people with symmetrical facial features are considered attractive in many cultures around the world.
This is because these types of facial features signal that the person is healthy and fertile—and the “healthier” the partner, the higher the chances of healthy offspring.
3. Shared interests
Similar interests also play a major role in choosing a partner: when you experience many different things together, you create memories and that bonds you together. Of course, it is also beneficial in a relationship if you can spend your free time together without compromise.
4. The same social environment
Not only shared interests, but also the social environment are an important factor in choosing a partner. This is because moral values and beliefs, for example, are closely linked to the social environment. If these are in harmony, you will experience a more harmonious and conflict-free relationship.
5. Smell
The effect of pheromones on humans is controversial, but the expression “being able to smell each other” is not without reason. During ovulation, for example, women find men with high testosterone levels more attractive. Various studies also suggest that we are attracted to people whose gene pool differs from our own in terms of smell.
6. Desire to have children decisive in choosing a partner
This factor should not be ignored when choosing a partner. Even if this is not a topic for the first few dates, it is extremely important to clarify your ideas about family planning at an early stage. After all, this is a decision for life.
7. Religion
Are we compatible or not? Religion can also play a decisive role in answering this question. This is because it has a lot to do with our outlook on life—and if this is not in harmony, the chances of success are slim.
How much do our parents influence our choice of partner?
Our parents influence our choice of the right partner more than many of us probably think or want to admit. Researchers have found that around 80% of people choose a partner who resembles their opposite-sex parent.
According to this, men are very likely to choose a partner who resembles their mother, and women look for a man who is very similar to their own father. Of course, various factors also play a role here: the bond and relationship with our parents during childhood contributes to the extent to which we seek partners who resemble our parents.
Why do I always choose the wrong person? 3 reasons
1. We are attracted to someone who is not ready for a relationship
Many people are familiar with this scenario: when the other person showers us with attention, our interest wanes, even though this type of person would probably be a much better match for us. This is because we often want what we cannot have. You meet someone who is emotionally unavailable and would be best suited for a fling.
But you fall for this person and hope for a relationship, even though you are repeatedly disappointed.
2. Bad role models in childhood influence your choice of partner
The separation of our parents or a toxic relationship between them that we witnessed in childhood has a lasting influence on us. In the first years of life, you learn a lot about relationships and are shaped in terms of your own relationship behavior.
This can manifest itself in your own attachment issues or in your inability to assess the other person well. You find it difficult to judge whether you are compatible with someone or not. As a result, you are repeatedly disappointed.
3. False signals due to your own expectations
Often, you meet someone and are immediately smitten. You quickly start to have expectations based on your own ideas and end up disappointed. For example, if your date doesn't get in touch right away, you start to rack your brains trying to figure out what you did wrong that caused the other person not to call. This behavior can also contribute to simply not finding the right person.
3 tips to finally find the right person
1. Don't pretend to be someone you're not
Have you been disappointed many times and are desperately searching for the right partner? Often, this desperation causes us to pretend to be someone we're not on dates. This makes it difficult to get to know someone the way you really want to. So: Be yourself and stand by everything that makes you who you are!
Tip: Pay attention to your date's body language!
2. Before choosing a partner: Free yourself from any baggage
Would you like a new partner, but are still entangled in an old relationship in some way? This makes it very difficult to meet the partner of your dreams. Tip: If you are still thinking about an old relationship, consider these points: Why did this relationship fail? Why did I choose this partner in the past? What lessons can I learn from this so that it doesn't happen again? Be clear about these things so that you can put the past behind you.
3. Be clear about what you want from your partner
This can be a kind of list. Think about what is important to you in a future partner and make a list of these things. Go through it again and again and cross off things you could do without until only the really essential wishes remain.
Because with things like wanting children, compromises are very difficult to find. Now you can approach getting to know someone with more confidence and say right from the start whether you two would be a good fit.
What is important to women when choosing a partner?
As we mentioned earlier, a survey showed that 56% of women consider personality to be the most important factor when choosing a partner. Other important qualities for women are humor, intelligence, and shared interests.
These qualities are most important to men
Men also pay primary attention to personality, but in second place among the most important qualities is their partner's appearance. Shared interests and a sense of humor are about equal in third place. In contrast to women, however, men do not pay as much attention to intelligence.
Conclusion for choosing a partner
Are we compatible or not? To answer this question conclusively, it is important to look for common ground. You should also be sure that you are 100% ready to commit to a new partner.
You should also not compromise just because you are still wearing rose-colored glasses: once the initial infatuation has subsided, different interests or ideas about family planning will put the relationship to the test.
The most important thing is to always remain true to yourself. Then, sooner or later, the right person will come along all by themselves!
