Pathological jealousy - 7 signs and how to overcome it
Jealousy in relationships? Almost everyone is familiar with it. Up to a certain point, it can even be positive and bring you and your partner closer together. However, if it develops into pathological jealousy, it can put a strain on the relationship, often leading to a breakup.
How much jealousy is still normal in a relationship? What are the signs of pathological jealousy? And how do you deal with it if your partner or even you yourself are affected by it?
6 typical causes of jealousy
Everyone knows jealousy. Almost half of all Germans have made a scene with their partner because of it. For 44% of men and 32% of women, jealousy was even a reason for breaking up in previous relationships. But why are we actually jealous? The causes often lie in our childhood or in previous relationships.
1. Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem is the most common cause of jealousy. If we don't think very highly of ourselves, it seems only logical that our partner will find someone better sooner or later. This results in fear of loss and jealousy.
2. Constant criticism and judgment
“You can't do that anyway!” “Leave it to me, you always ruin everything.” Are you all too familiar with statements like these? Whether as a child or as an adult, constant criticism and judgment can cause us to develop strong feelings of inferiority. They are a perfect breeding ground for jealousy.
3. Lack of warmth and affection
A loving hug, cuddling with mom and dad and being comforted by them. If we lack this kind of warmth and affection in childhood, it often leads us to believe that we are unlovable and inferior. Since we don't value ourselves very highly, even as adults we quickly become afraid of being replaced by someone who is supposedly better. We doubt ourselves and cannot believe that “someone like us” can really be loved.
4. Painful experiences of loss
Painful experiences of loss can also have a lasting impact. The experience of losing a loved one triggers great fears in us that we could lose someone else. Every relationship feels uncertain and mutual trust is usually difficult. People who have experienced loss tend to cling in relationships. They are often possessive and quickly become jealous.
5. Helicopter parents
Overprotective parents, known as helicopter parents, can also be the cause of jealous behavior. If everything was done for us in childhood, this often leads to a lack of independence in adulthood.
Those who cannot take care of themselves are always dependent on others. In a relationship, we therefore tend to cling to our partner and quickly become jealous. We are afraid of losing them and then being left alone and helpless.
6. Bad treatment in previous relationships
If we have had bad experiences in previous relationships, perhaps been cheated on or suddenly abandoned for no good reason, this can also be a cause of jealousy.
Marked by negative experiences from the past, we live in constant fear of being abandoned again. This fear then manifests itself in excessive control and jealousy towards our new partner.
How much jealousy is still normal?
Jealousy occurs from time to time in almost every relationship. Up to a certain point, it can also be positive and bring you and your partner even closer together. 80% of Germans say that they sometimes feel jealous themselves. But how much is still normal and when does jealousy become pathological?
First things first: Unfortunately, there is no exact line to be drawn here. The transition from normal to pathological is usually fluid, without those affected even noticing.
Pathological jealousy is when the relationship begins to suffer from the jealous and often selfish behavior of one partner. There is a fundamental mistrust, the partner is under general suspicion, and everything they do is controlled.
Men are affected twice as often as women. Extreme jealousy is not a separate illness. Rather, it is a symptom that occurs in various mental illnesses.
Normal jealousy can be useful and positive. It serves as an internal alarm signal that goes off as soon as there is a reason to threaten the relationship. It only occurs in situations where we feel threatened.
Pathological jealousy, on the other hand, is a permanent condition that determines a person's entire behavior.
And especially important: excessively jealous people do not need concrete evidence. True to the motto, “Where there's a will, there's a way,” the person affected always finds something that is wrong.
7 signs of pathological jealousy
Excessive jealousy can be a real relationship killer. It's not without reason that it ranks among the top 10 reasons for breakups. You can recognize pathological jealousy by these 8 signs:
1. Accusations
Every day you are confronted with new groundless accusations. Yesterday you had a secret affair with your colleague, today it's the pretty waitress in the restaurant with whom you apparently flirted wildly.
2. People with pathological jealousy are constantly suspicious
Your thoughts are almost always with your partner. What is he doing right now? Is he meeting someone else? Is he cheating on me?
3. You feel restricted
You no longer feel free to make your own decisions, but rather like a prisoner in the prison of your relationship.
4. Constant control
Whether it's reading your emails or WhatsApp messages, listening in on your phone calls, or searching through your clothes, you are constantly being controlled. You are being spied on and your friends are being questioned; there is hardly any trust left in your relationship.
5. You are not allowed to meet up with friends
If your partner is pathologically jealous, they will try to keep you away from your friends. This is how they try to reduce the risk of a possible affair.
6. Constant need for proof of love
“Do you still love me?” This question is asked every day, almost like a robot. And woe betide you if you don't respond with a complete confession of love.
7. Overreaction: Typical signs of jealousy
He or she is very quick to get irritated. The slightest sign of infidelity is turned into a huge drama. Afterwards, the person is often even sorry.
Jealous partner: How to deal with it
Is your partner pathologically jealous? Then it's important to realize that “it's not your fault!” Even if your partner likes to blame you for it, you are not responsible for their actions. Nevertheless, there are a few things you can do to help:
1. Show affection openly
When we are constantly being controlled, our intuitive response is to distance ourselves. However, with a highly jealous partner, this reaction is counterproductive. Don't let yourself be controlled, but show your affection openly and honestly, thereby alleviating your partner's fear of rejection.
2. Don't hide anything
Having to justify everything is annoying! So it's only logical that at some point you start to prefer not to tell certain things at all. Extremely jealous people will quickly notice that something has been hidden from them and will feel even more justified in their accusations. So it's better not to try to hide anything from your partner in the first place.
3. Boost self-confidence
As you now know, jealousy is often caused by low self-esteem. Help your partner as best you can to rebuild their self-confidence. Give them closeness and recognition. Healthy self-confidence is the first important step on the road out of jealousy.
4. Try to see it positively
Anyone in a relationship with an extremely jealous person needs to have very strong nerves. Of course, that's easier said than done. But sometimes it can help to look at the whole thing from a different perspective. Because even if he hasn't chosen the best way to do it, your partner's jealousy is basically just a sign of how important and irreplaceable you are to him.
Overcoming pathological jealousy: 5 tips on how to succeed
First, the good news: pathological jealousy is curable. No one has to put up with it. The bad news: it takes a lot of effort and work. The causes of intense jealousy often lie deep within us. Eliminating them will most likely require a lot of effort and patience.
1. Talk to your partner to overcome jealousy
If you find that you are prone to extreme jealousy, the first step is to talk to your partner about it. Seek out a conversation and explain to your partner that you are suffering from the situation just as much as they are and want to actively do something about it.
2. Boost your self-confidence
Low self-esteem is the most common cause of jealousy. To overcome this, you urgently need to change your negative self-image. The more you are at peace with yourself, the less you will depend on your partner's affection and approval.
Ask friends or your partner for support, or seek professional help from a coach or a suitable psychotherapist. You decide what is best for you. And most importantly, you are not alone in this.
3. Look for the reasons behind your jealousy
This step is probably the most unpleasant on your journey out of extreme jealousy, but it is also one of the most important. Only by nipping the causes in the bud can you overcome pathological jealousy.
While some reasons are more obvious and can be resolved with a few long conversations, others require you to dig deeper within yourself. Many people repress their fears and feelings. Only when they take a closer look do they realize what a burden they have been living with for the past few years.
4. Become independent
People who suffer from pathological jealousy tend to focus so much on their partner that they completely forget about themselves and their own lives. Build your own circle of friends or find a hobby that you enjoy. This will make you independent of your partner and prevent fears of loss.
5. Think positively and overcome pathological jealousy
People who suffer from intense jealousy often go through life with a pessimistic attitude. Unless proven otherwise, they always assume the worst. Do you recognize this attitude in yourself? Then try to deliberately remind yourself of the positive aspects of your relationship in moments when you start to doubt your partner's fidelity. Didn't he just tell you yesterday how much he loves you? So why should it suddenly be different today?
Conclusion: Pathological jealousy is curable
Ultimately, each couple must decide for themselves how much jealousy is good for their relationship and where the boundaries lie.
The important thing is this: if you feel pressured in the relationship and suffer from your partner's jealousy, don't withdraw, but address the problems openly and honestly. If the relationship is important to both partners, you will certainly find a solution together. Because as you now know: pathological jealousy is curable.
