Cheating - Reasons, signs, and how you can prevent it
Cheating is a real test for any relationship. What is your opinion on this? For around 70% of Germans, fidelity is the most important quality in a relationship. Nevertheless, 39% of women and more than 50% of men have been unfaithful in their relationship at some point. How does that fit together? We shed some light on the matter:
When does cheating begin?
Looking at someone else, paying them a compliment, or meeting up with an ex-partner? What is still acceptable in a relationship, and when does cheating begin?
It's completely normal to find other people in your environment attractive, apart from your partner. That's not infidelity! For 97% of all Germans, a long-term sexual affair is clearly cheating. And for 88 percent, it's also a clear reason for separation. Even a one-time one-night stand is considered cheating by 96%.
However, cheating does not always have to mean an affair. For most people, infidelity begins much earlier. 87% consider registering with an online dating portal to be cheating, and 48% would not tolerate a visit to a strip show. For 49% of all Germans, even the thought of infidelity, for example when their partner thinks of someone else during sex, is considered a transgression.
46% also view contact with an ex-partner critically. For about a fifth, this would even be an unforgivable reason for breaking up.
Why do people cheat? - The 8 most common reasons
“It just happened and didn't mean anything!” A very popular excuse! In most cases, however, there is more to it than just a one-time mistake. Men and women cheat for these 8 reasons:
1. Lack of appreciation
You put so much into the relationship, but get hardly anything in return. Do you know the feeling? If we don't feel appreciated enough in a relationship, we try to get that missing appreciation elsewhere. In this case, the affair is not about satisfying sexual needs, but rather about emotional validation.
2. Cheating for your own ego
Another popular reason for cheating: the need for validation. Men in particular tend to boost their own ego with a little fling. They want to prove their attractiveness and show their own ego that they can still get other women despite being in a committed relationship.
3. Escaping relationship problems
Cheating is often a hidden attempt to avoid troublesome relationship problems. Constant arguing can lead to one of the partners starting an affair. A harmless adventure that allows them to forget the everyday routine of the relationship.
4. The child
The period after the birth of a child can also be a test for the relationship.
The newborn is now the center of attention and the needs of the partner have to take a back seat.
Men in particular can quickly become sexually frustrated, which they often try to satisfy by having an affair.
5. Cheating without knowing it
A quick smile, a nice conversation, which quite unintentionally leads to a date for coffee.
There are definitely situations in which we flirt without even realizing it. Men in particular are quick to get carried away with an unintentional flirtation, while we women are usually quicker to read men's body language.
What was just a meaningless encounter for him may be a clear breach of trust from her point of view. 88% of Germans consider a secret meeting with someone else to be a clear case of cheating.
6. Too much alcohol
A few glasses of wine and you already feel totally relaxed and uninhibited. How well can you control yourself when you've been drinking alcohol?
Excessive alcohol consumption is a popular excuse for a one-night stand. But alcohol itself is not the real reason for the affair. It only disinhibits us and brings out suppressed needs that have actually been inside us for a long time.
7. Falling in love with someone else
Heart palpitations, butterflies in your stomach, and weak knees—but it's not your partner who triggers these feelings in you, but someone else? That can happen too! Falling in love with someone else is not a crime! You can't control your feelings. But be honest with yourself and your partner and end the existing relationship before you start something new.
8. Cheating out of revenge
There's a reason why they say, “Revenge is sweet!” Women in particular tend to punish their partner's infidelity with revenge and cheat as well. However, whether this method leads to long-term success is, of course, rather questionable.
Can you prevent infidelity? 7 typical signs
Cheating is rarely a one-time thing, an insignificant one-night stand.
Rather, it is a gradual process in which we slowly distance ourselves more and more from our partner. We start spending more time with other people and enjoying this time more. Suddenly, spending time with our partner seems almost tiresome.
If you notice this, you should listen carefully to your inner voice and, ideally, seek a conversation at an early stage so that cheating and thus deeply hurting your partner can be avoided in the first place. And what if you are not the perpetrator but the victim? These are typical signs that may indicate that your partner is having an affair:
Less time at home: Your partner suddenly has to work longer hours and meetings also take place on weekends or in the evenings.
Secretiveness: When his cell phone rings, he walks away or abruptly ends his calls when you enter the room.
He spends a lot of time on the computer: Especially in the evenings.
Your partner is distancing himself: He has new hobbies or interests that he prefers to do alone.
A sudden change in style: Or a new haircut.
Changed behavior: He pays more attention to his appearance when he leaves the house.
Less communication: Your partner hardly talks about himself or his day anymore.
Of course, these are not clear indications, but only signs that may point to possible infidelity. There can be many other simple explanations for such behavior.
Of course, it is best to address your doubts directly with your partner. If you don't feel confident doing so, it can also be helpful to ask a friend or one of his friends for advice. They can assess the situation more objectively and thus better differentiate between excessive hysteria and reasonable concern.
Preventing infidelity: 8 tips
Is it possible to prevent infidelity? Yes, it is! How? By following these 8 tips in your everyday relationship:
1. Preventing cheating means addressing problems
If you don't feel comfortable in the relationship, you should definitely address this. The same applies if you feel that your partner is unhappy about something. Only conflicts and problems that are addressed can be resolved. A calm conversation has saved many a relationship.
2. Share your feelings and thoughts
Share feelings and thoughts with your partner that you would not share with anyone else, thereby creating a deep connection that is very difficult for outsiders to break. Of course, you do not have to confide all your deepest secrets to your partner if you do not feel like it. Even a small confession of love every now and then can strengthen the connection.
3. Provide variety
Especially in longer relationships, a certain relationship rut sets in sooner or later. But you don't have to give in to this without a fight. Whether it's a trip to the movies, a romantic dinner date, or perhaps something completely unusual or crazy, make sure there is enough variety in your relationship.
4. Have trust
Whether on a friendly level or in a partnership, a relationship cannot work without trust. Reading your partner's secret messages or emails is a definite no-go! If you have serious doubts about your partner's fidelity, it is better to talk to them about it directly.
5. Mutual appreciation is important to prevent cheating
Say “thank you” and “please” from time to time. What we all learned as children often falls by the wayside in the stress of everyday life. Yet treating each other with respect is one of the easiest ways to prevent infidelity.
6. Give each other space to prevent cheating
Many partners believe they can prevent cheating by sharing everything with their partner and never leaving their side.
But the opposite is true! If we don't give our partner enough space, they will feel restricted and try to escape. It is not uncommon for this escape to end in an affair. It is better to create a balanced relationship between closeness and distance, in which everyone can pursue their own interests and hobbies and still have enough time for intimate togetherness.
7. Make plans for the future together
Another good way to prevent cheating: make plans for the future together! A shared perspective is an important foundation for a functioning relationship. After all, what is a relationship worth today if there is no prospect of a tomorrow?
Whether it's family planning, a shared apartment, or the next summer vacation, create a future together that connects you both.
If you have been unfaithful: How you should behave now
If you have allowed yourself to make a mistake, the first thing you should do is listen to your inner voice and think about what it meant to you. Was it really just a one-time slip-up, or is there more to it than that?
Whether it was just a meaningless encounter, a one-time one-night stand, or a longer affair with real feelings, the second step is to talk to your partner about it. Trust and honest communication are the foundation of any functioning relationship.
Only with a clear confession can you give your partner the chance to forgive you and restore the trust between you.
It is particularly important to explain to your partner what motivated you to stray. This will enable your partner to better understand your situation and feelings, and you can consider together what changes you want to make to save your relationship.
Forgiving infidelity – How to save your relationship
Your partner has just confessed that they have cheated on you. Now you have to decide: Do you call it quits for good, or can you forgive them and give them a second chance?
It's not an easy decision! Cheating is always a major breach of trust. You feel hurt, and at first, forgiveness seems impossible. Whether you can forgive them in the end or not also depends heavily on your partner's honesty.
If they confess their affair on their own, it's usually easier for the partner to forgive them.
Of course, each case must be decided on an individual basis, and the extent of the infidelity also plays a decisive role. These 4 tips can help you make the right decision:
1. Don't act rashly
When your partner confesses that they have cheated on you, it is naturally a huge shock at first. You are overwhelmed by emotions. You feel angry, hurt, and sad all at the same time. Such a concentrated load of emotions can quickly lead us to make rash reactions.
To avoid rash actions that you may regret later, you should not make your decision immediately after the confession. Take some time for yourself to think about it calmly. Talking to a good friend can also help.
2. Save the relationship—have a clarifying conversation with your partner
If this has not already happened during the confession, the second step is to have a clarifying conversation with your partner. Try to understand the reasons for their infidelity.
Are there reasons that affect both of you and that you can work on together? If you feel that you can get this problem under control together, then you should give him a second chance and try to save your relationship together.
If he acted out of selfish motives or motives that you cannot understand, you should not hold on to this relationship, because the chances are good that he will cheat on you again.
3. Forgiving cheating: Taking a break from the relationship can help
If you have decided to forgive your partner for cheating, you should both take your time. Forgiveness is not a one-time event, but a process.
It takes a lot of time, conversation, and patience to restore the trust that has been lost.
In many cases, taking a break from the relationship can also be helpful. By spending some time apart, both partners have the opportunity to look at their relationship with the necessary distance and decide for themselves whether a fresh start is possible. Sometimes, the support of a couples therapist can also be helpful in saving the relationship.
4. Draw a line under it
If the breach of trust has been too great, then your relationship may no longer be salvageable. Free yourself from the partnership if it is no longer good for you, even if you are still very attached to it and love your partner more than anything. If they cannot return the same love, then it is only a matter of time before they cheat on you again.
Conclusion: In the end, you have to go with your gut feeling
So cheating is not always cheating! Where exactly infidelity begins is something everyone has to decide for themselves. And there are many different reasons for cheating. But regardless of whether it's due to relationship problems, pure selfishness, or really just an accident, cheating always means a serious hurt to the person who has been betrayed and a great loss of trust in the relationship. That's why there is no clear “yes” or ‘no’ to the question “can the relationship still be saved or not?”
Listen to yourself and your gut feeling and try to find out together with your partner how this could have happened. Nevertheless, cheating does not always have to be a reason for breaking up! If you overcome the problem together, you can even emerge from this crisis stronger and give your relationship new depth.
