Dealing with a breakup? 7 stages, no-gos, and overcoming the breakup
Are you currently struggling to cope with a breakup? You are not alone. When you go through a breakup, a lot goes through your mind, but above all, you feel like you will never be happy again. Does this sound familiar? There are seven stages you will go through during a breakup—stages that each and every one of us has gone through at some point. Find out now which mistakes you should avoid and how you can tell that you have gotten over the breakup:
The 7 stages of breakup – everyone goes through them at some point
It is said that we usually process a breakup in seven consecutive stages. Of course, everyone deals with a breakup differently. However, characteristics of these seven stages can be found in all of us.
1. Shock
The words have been spoken – there's no turning back now. But is it really over for good? Many people experience shock right at the beginning of a breakup. At this moment, you are unable to feel any kind of emotion. However, this phase is very short. During the shock phase, the person affected feels almost frozen. Their gaze is empty and cold, and they cannot find the words to even utter a sentence. Their appetite also disappears abruptly. In this phase, the breakup must first be realized before it can be processed.
Physical symptoms in the first phase after the breakup:
Feeling cold
Stiff and rigid posture
Reduced sensitivity to pain
Complete lack of energy
Exhaustion
Why does your body behave this way during this phase of the breakup? Quite simply, it protects you from sensory overload and conserves energy for the next phases.
2. Denial
None of this is true; when I wake up tomorrow, everything will be fine again. It was just another argument, like always, that got out of hand this time. Is that really the case, or are you just trying to make yourself feel better?
Typical thoughts of denial:
You hope for a conciliatory conversation.
It was all just a misunderstanding.
You look for justifications for why your (ex-)partner behaved the way they did.
You act as if everything is fine: you don't tell your friends and family anything.
You act as if nothing has happened and go about your daily life exactly as you did before the breakup. Do you also have the thought that you just need to try hard enough and then everything will be fine again?
Physical symptoms in the denial phase:
Weakness
Exhaustion
Restlessness
Nightmares
3. In the third phase of the breakup, anger sets in
Your feelings begin to surface in this phase. Everything you have pent up in the first two phases now bursts out of you. Your gaze becomes steady again and you slowly come back to yourself. Do you feel anger, rage, or even hatred? This is completely normal and a sign that you are detaching yourself from your ex-partner and beginning to process the breakup. It's almost as if you are fighting against the pain of the breakup.
The good news is that you have already gone through the worst part of overcoming your breakup. From now on, things can only get better. The downside: the anger and rage you feel inside make you indifferent to everything else. Be careful, because in this phase we tend to act rashly, which we later regret or find embarrassing. Use exercise as a way to process your anger instead of planning revenge.
Physical symptoms:
Back pain
Lumbago
Herpes
Fever
Knee pain
4. Negotiation
In this phase of the breakup, you develop the strangest ideas to save your relationship after all. Large gifts or concessions also dominate this phase. But what about your self-esteem? It either shrinks or degenerates into a kind of arrogance. “If I promise you that I'll change this and that, then...”. Now you are faced with two paths. Either you continue to work through the failed relationship, or you work specifically to reverse the breakup with the help of professional couples therapy.
Physical symptoms in the fourth phase of separation:
Nervousness
Forgetfulness
Colds
Mood swings
Carelessness
Our tip: Don't sell yourself short! Stay as close to reality as possible and ask friends and family to open your eyes if certain behaviors occur.
5. Depression
You have now realized that it is essential to draw a line under the relationship. You have now reached the point where you emotionally realize that it is finally over. A kind of depression sets in. Don't worry, grief after a breakup with your partner is perfectly healthy. It is part of the process of dealing with the pain of separation.
Saying goodbye to your partner hurts. All the memories and plans you had together hurt. Try to look at things positively. All of this also shows you that you had a wonderful time together.
The question of “why” and the interpretation of the reasons for the breakup take over. This leads to great sadness and many tears. Important: Don't repress anything! You have to properly process the end of your relationship in order to emerge from it stronger. Take as much time as you need.
4 typical symptoms in this phase:
Depression
Loneliness
Self-doubt
Anxiety
6. Letting go
You have accepted the breakup and are close to getting over it completely. Slowly, you are starting to enjoy the little things again. You are more focused at work, and your everyday life is getting back to normal. For the first time, you feel like things are looking up again.
What happens in this phase?
You feel that you can be happy again.
Very slowly, you also begin to feel that you can imagine having a new partner.
You think less about your ex-partner.
Thoughts of a new beginning with your ex-partner are a thing of the past.
You take better care of yourself – “What do I want now?” is your main focus. You have been putting your own needs and desires on the back burner the whole time. That is now over.
7. The final phase of separation: Reorientation
The final phase begins. You have come to terms with the breakup and are ready for a new start. The end of the relationship is behind you and now belongs to the past. You feel alive again and want to rediscover yourself. You are motivated to try new things that you didn't do before out of consideration for your ex. Many “new singles” in this phase reinvent themselves and try out new possibilities. The wounds of the last weeks and months have healed.
Please don't forget: Don't be afraid of another disappointment when you meet a new partner. Haven't we all been through a breakup at some point?
Dealing with breakups: The differences between women and men
Are you wondering whether men and women cope with breakups differently? Are there differences in how men and women deal with the pain of separation? Yes, there are:
Women process breakups more intensely than men. - But they also get over it faster
A study by Birmingham University has shown that women suffer much more intensely from the physical and emotional pain of a breakup. But they come out of it stronger and have completely overcome the breakup.
Women actively involve their social circle and talk about the breakup. Family and friends are a great source of support during this time.
They cry more often and also realize that they feel better afterwards.
Women generally suffer more intensely during a breakup. However, they also process the breakup much faster—and better.
They do not start a new relationship until they have finally come to terms with the end of the previous one.
How do men get over a breakup? - With ignorance
Compared to women, men deal with the pain of a breakup somewhat differently. These five typical behavior patterns can be observed in men during a breakup:
Unlike women, men act as if nothing has happened. They simply carry on and repress the emotional pain of the breakup. However, this does not really help them process the breakup.
They distract themselves with everything, whether it's sports, work, or partying. The main thing is that they don't have time to think about the end of the relationship.
Men replace their ex more quickly. They look for a new partner more quickly. Whether this is done with serious intentions remains to be seen.
They are less likely to examine conflicts, statements, and arguments. They think less about what they did wrong and what the reasons for the breakup might be.
They hide their feelings and the pain of the breakup as best they can.
How can I cope with a separation when I have children?
When you separate and have children, you not only have to deal with your own pain, but also make sure that your children can cope with the separation. But how?
A separation is at least as painful for children as it is for you. They feel lonely, abandoned, and sad. For children, it means a major change in their lives. You will hear questions such as “Where is Mom or Dad going?”, “Why are Mom and Dad sad?” and “Do we have to move out of our house?” It is not uncommon for children to think that they are the reason for their parents' separation. Their fear of loss grows. Help your children to cope with this. Make the best of it together.
Overcome the separation together with your children:
Children do not have to choose between their parents; they will always have both of them.
The children will not lose their mom or dad because of the end of the relationship.
The children are not to blame for the separation.
Don't leave your children in the dark; talk to them about what will happen next. Keep in mind that teenagers think differently than toddlers.
Show your children that you are always there for them and that they can talk to you about the separation at any time.
You should never express your own feelings or say bad things about your partner in front of your children. Don't forget: your children are not the right people to talk to about your separation.
Expect resistance and a lack of understanding. Children naturally always want their parents to stay together for the rest of their lives.
How long does it take to get over a breakup?
In short: there is no predictable number of weeks or months after which you will have gotten over the breakup. How long it takes you to get over the pain of the breakup depends entirely on you as a person. It also depends on whether you were the one who initiated the breakup or the one who was left. The person who leaves has already come to terms with the end of the relationship much earlier than the person who stays.
If you have high self-esteem, you will usually be able to get over a breakup more easily and quickly. It also leads to a faster readiness for a new relationship. The more independent your life satisfaction is from a partnership, the easier it will be for you to overcome the pain of separation. However, if your entire life was focused on your partner and you transferred responsibility for your happiness to them, your separation phase will certainly take a little longer.
Basically, we all go through the seven stages of separation to a greater or lesser extent. Only when we have reached the last stage have we completely overcome the separation.
The biggest mistakes when dealing with a breakup
1. Stalking your ex after the breakup
We understand that you are curious about what your ex is doing after the breakup. Finding out is not difficult, especially in the age of social media. But what good does it do you? Nothing! So don't torture yourself. It only hurts and leads to nothing.
2. Sharing your breakup pain with the online world
The internet is always there when you're feeling down. You're sure to find comfort from many people. But is the internet really the right place for something like this? Don't forget: once it's on the internet, it's always on the internet. Especially when you're angry, you might say things you don't really mean. It can be quite unpleasant when these things are immortalized on the internet forever.
3. Swallowing the pain of separation
Hiding your feelings and bottling them up has never been a good idea. Only those who speak up can be helped. This also applies when it comes to processing the end of your relationship. It's better to vent your feelings and talk to your friends and family about your pain of separation instead of suffering in silence.
4. Getting over a breakup doesn't mean living in the past
If you reminisce at the beginning of the breakup phase, listening to sad music and needing one tissue after another, that's perfectly fine. But if you're still doing this weeks or months after the breakup, you urgently need to change something. Sinking into the pain of your breakup will only make you sad and won't get you anywhere.
5. Making rash decisions
New things are good, very good even. Feel free to try new things that you couldn't do before out of consideration for your partner. However, before you quit your job, move abroad, or get a new hairstyle, sleep on it for a night. If you're still sure, then go for it.
6. Becoming a loner
No one is forcing you to do anything while you are processing your breakup. Of course, the peace and quiet suits you just fine. But hiding in bed all day and avoiding all contact with friends and family is absolutely not a good idea. What happens? Your hole doesn't get smaller, it gets bigger and bigger. You sink into your breakup pain and wallow in self-pity. It will become increasingly difficult for you to get out of this situation. So why make it hard when it can be easy? Friends and family are happy to be there for you.
7. We can still be friends
Staying in touch with your ex is a common desire, especially at the beginning. You've already lost your partner, but you don't want to completely exclude them from your life. But don't make empty promises. The distance is good for you right now. Once some time has passed since the breakup, you can still decide whether you want to stay in touch.
8. Getting your hopes up
Hope is the biggest problem after your breakup. “Maybe there's still a chance?” It's best to forget such thoughts as quickly as possible. The sooner you realize that the relationship is over for good, the sooner you can get over the breakup.
9. No revenge tactics to get over your breakup
At some point during the breakup phase, anger will erupt from all corners of your mind. Thoughts will run through your head about how you can really get back at your ex. It's best to suppress these thoughts immediately, because revenge will not make your breakup any easier. You will almost certainly regret such an act of revenge later on. So it's better to stay calm and clear your head.
How can I tell that I have gotten over the breakup? By these 5 characteristics:
1. You have processed the breakup and your head is clear again
No more agonizing over the end of the relationship. The endless “what ifs” and “why didn't I” questions finally stop. You are free again and open to new things.
2. No heartache
Shared memories, photos, or a sudden encounter with your ex-partner no longer hurt you. The pain of separation is a thing of the past for you.
3. You have gotten over the breakup and are enjoying your life again
You can finally get back to living life to the fullest, and your zest for life has returned. You are out and about again and doing things that you enjoy. You can now enjoy these things to the fullest again.
4. The breakup was the right decision
From now on, everything is and will remain in the past, and when you look back, you realize it was a good decision. Even though it was painful, it was the right thing to do.
5. You face the breakup with optimism
Now you only see the positive aspects of your breakup? The negative aspects have finally faded away. How wonderful—now you can finally look to the future with a carefree and free spirit.
Dealing with separation teaches you lessons for life
You learned a lot during your separation, but above all, you learned about yourself. Looking back, now that you have fully processed the separation, you can look back on this time positively. You have matured through your experiences. As we all know, you never stop learning. You have probably already thought about what you would like to do better in your next relationship. We are certain that you will soon meet the right person. This usually happens at the moment when we least expect it.
