Fear of commitment: 17 symptoms, 10 causes, and 5 tips for overcoming it
Are you afraid of commitment? Why is it that some people, despite their best efforts, simply cannot commit to a partner? At first glance, fear of commitment seems like an unchangeable fact, a diagnosis for which there is no cure. However, there are many causes for this fear that lie deep within the personality. Don't be discouraged; overcoming fear of commitment is not easy, but you can do it, perhaps even together with a partner.
What triggers fear of commitment? - 10 typical causes
The causes of fear of commitment lie in a dysfunctional relationship with parents, experiences of attachment in childhood, hurt and fear of loss from past relationships, and feelings of inferiority. Personal characteristics such as independence and the prospect of something better are also among the causes.
1. Negative experiences
You have probably experienced this yourself: your relationship is over and the end was not exactly rosy. Negative experiences from past relationships can lead to an extreme fear of commitment in some people.
2. Fear of loss and fear of commitment
Fear of commitment often has something to do with fear of loss. The loss of a loved one is associated with great emotional pain. The person affected does not want to experience this again. This negative experience of loss often leads to a fear of relationships.
3. Low self-confidence and self-esteem
The feeling of not being lovable is usually deeply ingrained. These people have a big problem loving and appreciating themselves. They often ask themselves, “Why would another person love me at all?” If you don't value yourself, it's difficult to accept love from others and build a relationship.
4. Independence
The fear of emotional intimacy does not always have to lie in the past. Many men and women do not want to give up their single life because they have become accustomed to independence. For some, giving this up is so difficult that they initially do not allow emotional closeness and are afraid of relationships.
5. Fear of relationships as a perfectionist
Do you perhaps belong to the perfectionist category? Then you are rarely satisfied with the status quo. When you settle for something, you are very afraid that you might miss out on something better. For this reason, you find it difficult to commit.
6. First experiences of attachment in childhood
Our childhood has the greatest influence on our behavior and fears. We learn from our parents what it means to form a bond with each other. However, the bond with the mother is the basis for the later attachment style. If people are neglected in their childhood, this can lead to a fear of emotional closeness. Parental traits such as distance, dominance, and rejection cause children to hide their feelings.
7. Negative role models in the parents' relationship
How did your parents behave when you look back a few years? Did they have a harmonious relationship? Or was their relationship based on a lot of distance? It is very likely that children will adopt this behavior, as parents are considered great role models. Even if the parents argue a lot, it is possible to develop a fear of commitment and love out of concern that you will end up in the same kind of relationship as your parents.
8. Rejection can trigger fear of commitment
People who often experience rejection eventually flip a switch and internalize this feeling. “If this is always how things turn out for me, why should it be any different in a relationship?” These thoughts often give rise to a fear of romantic relationships.
9. Neglect
Neglect leads to constant insecurity, as there is no constant emotional support. This can be during childhood, but also in past relationships.
10. Peter Pan syndrome as a cause of commitment phobia
This mainly affects men. Men who suffer from Peter Pan syndrome often stand out due to their particularly childish behavior. They are often selfish and unable to take responsibility. They also frequently suffer from commitment phobia.
Do I have commitment phobia? 15 typical symptoms
You ask yourself: Do I have commitment phobia or not? These 15 symptoms may indicate that you do. But of course, they don't have to.
Relationships are difficult for you: This includes all forms of relationships. Whether with colleagues, friends, or in a partnership.
Superficial relationships: You tend to keep your connections with other people superficial and never really form deeper bonds. This is a typical symptom of fear of commitment.
Lots of acquaintances: Your circle of friends includes many acquaintances, but these do not develop into long-term friendships.
No long-term partnerships: You have had a few relationships, but none of them have really lasted very long. This is also a typical symptom of fear of commitment.
Gut feeling: Just the idea of being in a committed relationship gives you a strange gut feeling.
Need for space: A typical sign of fear of commitment is when you very quickly feel restricted in relationships.
Low self-esteem: You feel like you are never good enough. Inferiority complexes hinder or prevent the development of a stable bond.
Very high standards: No matter how perfect the people you meet seem, you always find something that makes a relationship impossible. This is typical for people who are afraid of relationships.
Ambivalent behavior: As soon as you enter into a relationship, you seek closeness more intensely, but cannot allow it to last. People with commitment phobia often display ambivalent behavior.
Argumentative: In relationships, you often provoke arguments in order to consciously create distance. This is also a typical symptom of commitment phobia.
Fear of moving in together: The thought of sharing an apartment makes your hair stand on end.
No public displays of affection: Kissing or even hugging while shopping, at the movies, or on the train? Not with you!
Unreliability: People with commitment phobia are very fickle. Today one thing, tomorrow another. That's why they often cancel appointments at short notice.
Fear of failure: The fear that the relationship might fall apart again is much greater than the desire for a relationship.
Physical symptoms of fear of commitment: such as sweating, palpitations, dizziness, dry mouth, and shortness of breath.
The self-test for fear of commitment
Take the self-test and find out whether you have a fear of commitment or not.
7 signs that indicate someone has commitment issues
Does my new acquaintance have commitment issues or simply no feelings for me? Signs of commitment issues include sudden loss of contact, withdrawal, and emotional detachment. Indecisiveness and a lack of responsibility are also common signs. Here is an overview of 7 common signs of commitment issues.
1. Sudden break in contact as a sign of fear of commitment
We had been texting so nicely, but suddenly he stopped responding. A sudden break in contact, often in the form of ghosting, is a typical sign that a person is suffering from fear of commitment.
2. People with fear of commitment often suddenly withdraw
When everything becomes too much for them, they escape and are hardly reachable. In addition, people with commitment phobia often need a lot of space. They feel restricted by even the smallest sign of affection. Men and women with commitment phobia often display ambivalent behavior. One day they are trusting, and the next they suddenly withdraw for no reason and stop communicating.
3. Emotional detachment
Whether you have a date or not is completely irrelevant to someone with commitment phobia. In fact, they don't care about anything in conversations or relationships.
4. Indecisiveness as a sign of fear of commitment
Are you getting a suggestion for an open relationship? He or she seems indecisive and would rather remain non-committal. Of course, there can be many other reasons for wanting an open relationship, but it is often people who suffer from fear of commitment.
5. Low sense of responsibility
High expectations lead to the person backing out when the sense of obligation seems to become real.
6. Always the wrong partner? A sign of fear of commitment
People with a fear of relationships consistently seek out partners who are simply not right for them. This prevents a long-term partnership from developing in the first place.
7. The perfect partner
Almost within reach, yet so far away. Out of sheer panic that this partner is a perfect match and you are torn between fear of commitment and the desire for commitment, you prefer to ignore them.
How can you overcome your fear of relationships?
As already mentioned, fear of commitment can be overcome. The best way to do this is not to try to do it alone, but to seek help. These tips will help you overcome your fear of relationships:
1. Learn to accept your fear
If you suppress your fears, you deprive yourself of the opportunity to find a way of dealing with them. Admit to yourself that you have a fear of commitment and accept it in order to find a way of dealing with it.
2. Overcoming fear of commitment takes time
Rushing headlong into a relationship in the belief that confrontation is the right solution rarely leads to the desired outcome. For people with fear of commitment, it is helpful to build a relationship slowly, step by step, and to pay attention to how much commitment is “too much.”
3. Consider supportive therapy
If your fear of commitment stems from unresolved childhood experiences or traumatic injuries, specialized therapy may be helpful. However, therapy is only necessary in very few cases. Most people with a fear of commitment manage to enter into happy relationships.
4. Overcoming fear of commitment: Let your partner support you
Prefer potential partners who take your fear of commitment seriously and support you. To find such a potential partner, it can be helpful to use the matching function of online dating sites. This recognizes similarities that support the development of a bond while getting to know each other. This will make it easier for you to overcome any fears you may have.
How do men and women with commitment phobia behave in relationships?
Of course, the question arises as to whether there are different reasons for commitment phobia in men and women. However, an anxiety disorder is very complex and can have different causes and triggers.
Both men and women with commitment phobia try to avoid closeness and intimacy in order not to get hurt or emotionally involved. They display ambivalent behavior and when the relationship becomes too close, they will try to withdraw or end the relationship.
Frequently observed differences between men and women with commitment phobia are, for example, that men with commitment phobia tend to withdraw and appear independent, while women may be more prone to being overly needy or jealous.
Men may tend to suppress or deny their emotions, while women may be more open about how they feel and what they need.
While men are more likely to shy away from commitments and responsibilities, many women tend to commit to relationships. However, they then have difficulty forming long-term bonds.
It is important to emphasize, however, that these differences do not apply to all men or women with commitment phobia and that each person deals with these fears in different ways.
My partner has commitment issues – 5 tips for dealing with them
Can people with commitment issues even have a relationship? Yes, they can. If your partner has commitment issues, you don't have to bury your head in the sand, because there are several ways you can support your partner.
Make your partner feel that it's okay to make mistakes. It's essential that a person with a fear of commitment feels accepted for who they are.
1. Show understanding for their fear of commitment
Remain patient, understanding, and considerate, even if their ambivalent behavior can be exhausting. If you bring these qualities to your relationship, you can make a big contribution to reducing your partner's fear.
2. Show love
Show him or her that you love them. This will help boost their self-esteem. Try to understand when exactly the fear occurs so that you can tackle the causes of the fear of commitment together.
3. Be patient with a partner who has commitment issues
Don't expect to race against time, because an anxiety disorder cannot change overnight. If your partner wants to, help them seek professional help.
4. Cheer them up
Trigger positive feelings in your partner, and over time they will forget the negative feelings and experiences from the past.
Your goal: Your partner should increasingly associate a stable relationship with positive feelings instead of the negative feelings they have had in the past.
5. Will someone with commitment phobia come back to me?
It is important to note that commitment phobia is not a condition that simply disappears. It often takes time, patience, and work to overcome. If someone with commitment issues has ended a relationship, they may need some time to sort themselves out and figure out what they really want.
If someone with commitment issues returns, it is therefore particularly important that both partners talk openly and honestly about what they want and need to ensure that their relationship is built on a healthy foundation.
Ultimately, whether someone with commitment phobia comes back depends on many different factors, including the severity of their commitment phobia and their willingness and ability to work on their issues.
6. How can I win over someone with commitment phobia?
To win over a person with commitment phobia, the tips are very similar to those for a relationship with a person with commitment phobia. Be understanding and patient.
Try to build trust slowly and give the person time to get used to you and being close to you.
If one of the two people in a budding relationship is plagued by fears, communication is especially important. Talk openly about what is on both of your minds. Together, you will find a way to overcome the fear of commitment.
Conclusion: Recognize the causes and overcome fear of commitment
Online dating can be a promising solution for fear of commitment, as it allows you to get to know each other gently while searching for a partner. Regular communication ensures that trust is built up carefully, giving both parties enough time to adjust to each other. The generation incapable of relationships is a thing of the past.
Those who face their fears can be sure of success.
