8 stages of a relationship: How love works in stages
Did you know that there are biological principles involved in choosing a partner? These three phases are the same for everyone and form the basis for the later phases of a relationship itself. There are eight phases of a relationship in total, which we will now explain in more detail. And what happens after that? Is the relationship over then?
3 Biological principles in mate selection
Mate selection is one of the key topics in behavioral biology and is closely linked to physiological and external characteristics. According to a neurobiological study, there are three biological principles:
1. Choosing a partner who is as similar as possible
Also known as homogamy, this refers to choosing a partner who is similar to one's parents in terms of behavior and appearance.
Despite our complex psyche, highly cognitive and rational components in our choice of partner, and strong social and cultural influences, the appearance of the opposite-sex parent also has an influence on our choice of partner.
2. The smell of a potential partner
Both men and women use their sense of smell to decide whether a person is perceived as pleasant and attractive.
An interesting piece of information: in behavioral biology, this can be traced back to the ability to distinguish between similarities between oneself or close relatives and strangers. People who are not directly related genetically are considered much more attractive based on their smell.
3. Choosing a partner who is as “fit” as possible biologically
People want to combine their own genes with the genes of a partner who is as fit as possible.
But what does “fit” mean? There are many factors that influence this and that can only be assessed by observing the behavior of a potential partner, for example.
In humans, facial attractiveness plays a major role—symmetry is perceived as beautiful. Physical symmetry has also become a predictor of longevity, fertility, and health.
But intelligence also belongs to the category of looking for the fittest possible partner. It should be emphasized here, however, that these are of course not all the factors involved in choosing a partner. Our behavior is enormously complex, with many factors that are not described here—but which, depending on the situation and circumstances, could be much more important than the factors mentioned.
The 8 stages of a relationship
1. Searching for or choosing a partner
The romantic stage of a relationship begins with the active decision to search for a partner. Although choosing a partner is not yet a concrete part of the relationship, it is ultimately the factor that determines how we choose someone or whether we choose someone at all. Even singles who are looking for a long-term partner but are not yet actively searching have certain selection criteria at the beginning.
2. The infatuation phase
The phase with the greatest excitement and uncertainty at the same time is the infatuation phase.
You feel like you could embrace the world and can't wait to meet your new acquaintance again. You want to spend every second together and everything else in your life fades into the background. You enjoy and celebrate the time you spend together.
In the infatuation phase, you get to know each other more intensely and build a common foundation for your future partnership. How long does the infatuation phase last? It can last as little as 3 months or as long as 1 year.
However, this phase of the relationship also presents the biggest problem: rose-colored glasses distort our view and we are unable to make objective decisions. When the infatuation gradually wears off, in some cases this leads to the end of the relationship. Not all couples make the transition to the next phase smoothly.
3. The feeling of infatuation fades
Back to life, back to reality. You have taken off your rose-colored glasses and are gradually returning to reality. You now see your partner with clear eyes—including their weaknesses, quirks, fears, and so on.
The feeling of being in love evaporates and you see your partner more clearly than ever before. You may also wonder why you didn't notice one or two quirks before. In the rush of emotions, you simply overlooked them. Now you are entering the discovery phase of your relationship, which also signals the transition to the next phase.
4. The conflict phase in the relationship: discovering your partner's flaws and weaknesses
You know each other pretty well by now, but in this phase you unconsciously begin to test your partner. Can your partner even meet your expectations? Can you live with your partner's quirks and weaknesses? Do you have similar goals and habits?
This phase is also called the conflict phase of the relationship because arguments occur repeatedly. You repeatedly get annoyed about little things and literally pick on your partner's mistakes.
And why are you only noticing this now and not since the beginning of the relationship?
This is where you decide whether you are really compatible, because unfortunately, many couples do not make it through this phase of the relationship. Conflicts, discussions, and arguments take over and you feel like it no longer makes sense.
How long does the conflict phase of the relationship last? It can last until the second year of the relationship.
5. Attempts to educate
Everyday life descends upon you, and with it, idiosyncrasies and your own mind. Power struggles happen relatively often in this phase of the relationship, because you both want to assert yourselves. The socks next to the laundry basket, the makeup on the bathroom shelf, or sometimes even more than that. You feel like you have to educate and change your partner. Maybe you're not compatible after all? Don't despair, because this is completely normal and part of this stage of the relationship! The good thing about this phase of the relationship? If you get through this phase together, things will finally calm down.
To do this, however, you have to admit that you sometimes have to give in or compromise and accept your partner as they are. After all, you also have quirks that your partner doesn't like and that you don't even notice.
How long does the phase of trying to educate each other last? It can last several years, depending on how you and your partner are wired.
6. Phases of a relationship: Initial structuring
The little power struggles are a thing of the past and your relationship seems to be growing stronger and stronger. You draw your own conclusions from the last phase. Can the “we” last in the long term? Do I have enough time for myself and my needs? Is this really what I want? Am I happy? If you can answer yes to these questions, you have reached the structuring phase.
This phase often coincides with moving in together for the first time. You reach the next milestone and your relationship takes on a new significance. You can imagine being a couple in the long term.
How long does this phase last? It can last up to the fourth year of the relationship, but this also varies!
7. Consolidation, organization, expansion: life planning, family planning, children, and career
This phase is by far one of the most beautiful in your relationship. You have realized how important you are to each other and what you appreciate about each other. Together, you have now overcome many small and large hurdles. That is a great achievement! You have grown closer as a couple and are now getting closer to each other again.
Now you are entering a wonderful phase in your relationship: planning your life together. It is becoming easier and easier to reconcile your shared and personal wishes.
You may be planning to get married, have children, buy a house, or whatever else you have in mind that fulfills you both.
8. Arriving together: relaxation, familiarity, and security
The phase of arriving together is wonderful. In this phase, you can give each other a great deal of freedom and trust. After years of discussions, conversations, and small power struggles, you have more than earned it!
In addition to a shared relationship, you have also built a shared life according to your ideas. Your personal and shared goals can be ideally combined without the other partner feeling neglected.
You enjoy being together in this phase of the relationship and it couldn't be more beautiful. Looking back, you think, “We did everything right!”
What happens after you have gone through all the stages of a relationship?
Don't worry, your relationship is definitely not over! Don't forget that as a couple, you don't just go through many stages of a relationship once. You may well repeat certain stages.
After all, every relationship has its ups and downs, so don't be unsettled if things don't go as you imagined. A relationship also means a lot of work, because desires, demands, and attitudes change over the course of your personal development and in your relationship.
Your challenge is to keep finding balance in your relationship. Believe us: it will be worth the effort in every case!
