Demisexual: What the term means and how it affects finding a partner
Demisexuality focuses on building emotional bonds—physical attraction develops later, once deep connections have been established. This poses a number of challenges when looking for a partner, can lead to misunderstandings, and can be frustrating. But there are helpful options available, especially online. This article describes the differences between demisexuality and other sexual orientations, dispels myths, and highlights opportunities in online dating.
What is demisexuality?
Definition: What does demisexual mean?
Pansexuality, asexuality, bisexuality... more and more terms related to sexual orientation are emerging. This contributes to diversity and raises awareness, but it can also be confusing. So what is demisexuality?
Demisexuality describes a sexual orientation. The term refers to people who only feel sexual attraction to people with whom they have been able to form a deep emotional bond. Sexual attraction needs this connection as a basis and only develops over time. It is described as a gray area of asexuality and lies on the spectrum between asexuality, i.e., no sexual desire, and allosexuality, which describes people who generally feel sexual attraction. Other terms for demisexuality are gray asexuality or semisexuality.
What is the difference between bisexual, asexual, and demisexual?
Demisexuality is even less well known than other sexual orientations, and the term can therefore lead to confusion. Demisexuality is often equated with asexuality and bisexuality, which is not entirely correct:
Demisexuality: Physical attraction develops after emotional bonds have been established, but it is present.
Asexuality: Lust and sexual attraction are absent. This is also the case with demisexuality at first, but physical attraction develops when there is a strong emotional bond.
Bisexuality: There is emotional and sexual attraction to more than one gender. The term demisexuality, on the other hand, does not refer to gender preference.
The role of demisexuality in the LGBTQA+ spectrum
Demisexuality plays an important role in the LGBTQA+ spectrum, and the community is working to broaden the understanding of sexuality and dispel prejudices. Opinions on demisexuality vary, but one characteristic that stands out is that demisexual individuals experience sexual attraction on a deeper emotional level.
Compared to more widely discussed forms such as homosexuality or bisexuality, the characteristics of demisexuality are still far less well known. However, acceptance and understanding of demisexuality are slowly gaining ground in the LGBTQIA+ community and society as a whole.
Myths and misconceptions about demisexuality
Does demisexuality mean a lack of interest in sex?
No. The idea that demisexual people have no interest in sex is a misconception and a common misunderstanding. The term does not refer to a lack of sexual desire, but rather to the exclusive focus of sexual interest on people with whom there is a trusting and strong emotional bond.
Are demisexual people “half sexual”?
Admittedly, this interpretation is obvious and is also frequently used. “Demi” comes from French and means ‘half’ or “halfway.” However, this does not mean that demisexual people feel less sexual attraction. The attraction can be just as intense as with other sexual orientations, but it depends on the emotional connection to a person and is secondary to emotional aspects.
Is demisexuality a preference?
Demisexuality is a natural feeling, a sexual orientation. Demisexuals do not act on a preference, nor do they act out of religious or moral decisions or social pressure. They are neither frigid nor inhibited, nor are they highly moral; sexual attraction simply does not arise without an emotional bond.
How demisexuality manifests itself in everyday life
How can you recognize demisexuality?
As with most sexual orientations, it is difficult to determine whether you are demisexual. There is no test for this, as sexuality is a spectrum and highly individual. However, there are some indicators that can be used to help classify demisexuality.
Similar to asexuality, it is often reported that the first questions arose when sexual attractions developed among friends. No crushes on celebrities, no desire for that first kiss.
Many people find it uncomfortable to talk about sexuality even in adulthood, and the urge to pretend is not uncommon.
There is no typical infatuation from afar; demisexuals do not have a specific type. Characteristics such as appearance, smell, or voice do not exert any attraction.
When dating, they prefer activities that allow time for conversation and getting to know each other properly.
The desire for sexuality without being able to name a specific person or experience sexual attraction is confusing.
Even when building an emotional connection, it takes a while for sexual attraction to a person to develop—but it does develop.
Sex with strangers or one-night stands are out of the question, but longer periods without sexual activity are not a problem.
All of these things can, but do not have to, be reasons for a person to identify as demisexual.
How do demisexuals behave in relationships?
Demisexual people place particular importance on getting to know new people and relationships in everyday life. Emotional connection takes precedence over sexual interest. Respecting boundaries is also essential within a relationship, and pressure is out of place. In a trusting partnership, sexual attraction can occur every day, while demisexuals who are single may experience years without any physical attraction.
Even outside of partnerships, demisexuality often manifests itself in deep friendships and intense relationships, which are preferred over superficial acquaintances. Demisexuals seek deeper connections and appreciate tips and tools that cater to their interests in finding a partner.
The challenges and opportunities for demisexual people in finding a partner
Finding the right partner as a demisexual person: how and where
Emotional connection is central to demisexual people's search for a partner—the focus is on the personality of the other person, rather than on sexual attraction, as is initially the case with others. Spontaneity and one-night stands are not a need; they usually take a lot of time to choose a partner and get to know them. Desire plays a role in the course of building a relationship, but not as the primary trigger.
Accordingly, phases of getting to know each other and building a deep emotional bond dominate their dating life. Sexual attraction takes on a different significance in the relationship and rarely happens at first sight, but develops with the bond.
Demisexuality and online dating
Swipe left and move on – in online dating, the focus is clearly on sexual attraction. There are implicit rules and, for many, certain expectations. This is a hurdle for demisexual people, for whom an emotional bond is a basic requirement for building a relationship and physical intimacy, and whose behavior is quickly interpreted as disinterest. But there are developments and platforms that cater to the needs of demisexual people.
Practical tips for demisexuals looking for a suitable relationship
If you have special needs, you should communicate them when looking for a partner. Demisexuality in particular requires a broader understanding and acceptance of the fact that the focus is on building truly deep relationships. The need for deep emotional connection is what defines this sexual orientation, so it is helpful to stand by your principles and approach your search for a partner accordingly.
In addition, the type of dates is crucial for demisexuals: activities that allow enough time and opportunity to talk at length and get to know each other are ideal. This is the only way to find a basis and eventually develop intimacy. Often, demisexuality first develops into a friendship, from which a partnership can grow.
How online dating platforms help demisexuals find partners
The need for emotional connection and a lack of physical attraction don't necessarily make finding a partner any easier, especially in the fast-paced world of online dating, but there are more and more platforms that recognize the challenges associated with finding a partner when you have a less common sexual orientation.
The first step is always visibility, and some platforms now offer the option to identify as demisexual. This allows algorithms to do their work and bring like-minded people together. Identifying one's sexual orientation is a helpful step in avoiding false expectations, preventing misunderstandings, and meeting like-minded people.
In general, dating services that focus on deep emotional connectivity rather than superficial attractiveness or status are more suitable for demisexual people. When the focus is on getting to know the inner person, the chances of first testing the potential for emotional connection and, ideally, creating a deeper connection increase.
Conclusion: Open communication when looking for a partner!
Demisexual people have a need for emotional connections; sexual attraction is not the initial factor when looking for a partner. At first glance, this seems to contradict online dating, but more and more platforms are starting to make sexual orientations more visible. This allows them to better cater to demisexual needs, making it easier to find like-minded people and allowing online dating to lead to deeper relationships.
