Map of Love: Explaining the different types of love
"I love you" - three words, countless meanings. We all know the feeling of love, and yet each of us experiences it differently. Sometimes it is a blazing fire that robs us of sleep, other times a deep connection that gives us stability. Love can send us into a frenzy or give us the peace of being at home. Why does love feel so different, even for the same person - and why do we love different people in such different ways?
Everyday language quickly reaches its limits here. When we say "I love you", it can describe the passionate attraction of a new relationship, the deep connection after decades of living together or a mixture of both with many facets in between. In order to grasp this complexity, scientists have developed various models that help us to understand the complexity of love.
This article offers you a "love map" - a scientifically based orientation framework to help you categorise and reflect on your own experiences of love. We will introduce various psychological models, with a particular focus on Robert Sternberg's influential triangular theory of love. This theory helps us to understand why some relationships burn with passion, while others are characterised by deep friendship, and why some combine all dimensions of love.
Let's explore this map together and discover which scientific findings can help us to better understand perhaps the most important human experience: love in all its facets.
The triangular theory of love according to Sternberg
Robert Sternberg, a renowned psychologist, developed his "Triangular Theory of Love" in the 1980s, which is still one of the most influential scientific models for understanding different types of love. According to Sternberg, love is based on three fundamental components that can occur in different combinations and intensities:
The three basic components
Intimacy forms the emotional connection in a relationship. It encompasses feelings of closeness, connectedness and warmth. Telling your partner about your deepest fears, laughing together about a personal experience or feeling understood in difficult times are all expressions of intimacy. This component typically develops slowly through shared experiences, deep conversations and emotional understanding.
Passion stands for physical attraction and romantic desire. It's that tingling in your stomach when you think about the other person, the desire for physical closeness and the feeling of arousal in their presence. Passion often flares up quickly and intensely, but can fade over time without the other components.
Attachment (or commitment) represents the conscious decision to maintain love and nurture the relationship. It is the promise to stay together even in difficult times and the long-term perspective on the future together. While intimacy and passion are strongly emotionally based, commitment also has a cognitive component - it is a conscious choice.
"Perfect love combines intimacy, passion and commitment - but is not a static state, but a dynamic balance that requires active care."
The seven types of love according to Sternberg
The combinations of these three basic components result in seven different types of love as well as a state of "non-love":
Liking/sympathy (intimacy only): When only intimacy is present, a deep friendship or liking develops. You feel close and connected to the person, but there is a lack of both romantic desire and long-term commitment. Many close friendships fall into this category.
Example: Marie and Thomas have known each other since university. They share personal thoughts, support each other during crises and feel emotionally connected without harbouring romantic feelings for each other.In love (passion only): This is where physical and romantic attraction dominates with no deeper emotional connection or future prospects. This often corresponds to the proverbial "falling in love at first sight" or an intense but superficial crush.
Example: Markus is fascinated by his new colleague. He feels a strong desire to spend time with her, but hardly knows her on a personal level and doesn't think about a future together.Void love (only attachment): When only the attachment component remains, the result is a relationship in which the couple stays together out of obligation or habit, without feeling emotional closeness or passion. This can occur in long-term relationships in which the other components have been neglected.
Example: After 30 years of marriage, Claudia and Werner lead a life as a team. They take care of each other and stay together, but emotional conversations and physical intimacy have become rare.Romantic love (intimacy + passion): This combination combines emotional depth with physical attraction, but lacks long-term commitment. Many romance novels and films idealise this form of love - intense and fulfilling, but without the stability of a long-term commitment.
Example: Sarah and David experience a deep connection, share intimate thoughts and feel strongly attracted to each other. However, both are hesitant to make long-term plans or firm commitments.
Comradely loving (intimacy + commitment): A deep, long-term connection with emotional closeness but without strong passion. This form is often found in long-term marriages in which the initial passion has given way to a deep friendship and bond.
Example: Jana and Michael have been married for 15 years. They share everything with each other, understand each other blindly and plan their lives together. Sexual attraction plays a subordinate role, while mutual trust and understanding characterise the relationship.Foolish love (passion + commitment): This combination describes a fast-forming, passionate connection in which the partners quickly engage in a commitment without having developed deep emotional intimacy.
Example: After only six weeks of intense dating, Lena and Ben decide to move in together. The physical chemistry is overwhelming, and both are convinced they want to stay together forever, even though they have hardly shared any personal stories or fears.Complete love (intimacy + passion + commitment): For many, the combination of all three components represents the ideal of a fulfilling love relationship. Partners feel emotionally connected, physically attracted and committed to each other in the long term.
Example: Anna and Stefan have been a couple for seven years. They have a deep emotional connection, are still physically attracted to each other and have been through ups and downs together. Their relationship is characterised by mutual trust, passion and the desire for a future together.Non-love (none of the components): If all three components are missing, these are neutral or casual interactions with no deeper emotional meaning.
Sternberg's model has been validated in numerous studies and is used worldwide in counselling and therapy. The strength of this approach lies in its ability to grasp the complexity of love and to give structure to a diffuse feeling. It helps us to understand that different forms of love have their own qualities and that no one form is "better" per se than another - the decisive factor is the congruence of the partners' expectations and needs.
Alternative models and perspectives
In addition to Sternberg's triangle theory, there are other scientific models that shed light on different aspects of love and expand our understanding of this complex phenomenon.
Lee's "Colours of Love"
In the 1970s, Canadian sociologist John Alan Lee developed a differentiated typology with six "love styles", which he called the "colours of love" in reference to the colour spectrum:
Eros (romantic, passionate love): Strong physical attraction and emotional intensity
Ludus (playful love): Non-committal, pleasure-focused lovemaking without a deeper commitment
Storge (friendly love): Slowly growing affection based on familiarity and shared interests
Pragma (pragmatic love): Rational, practical approach to mate selection and relationship
Mania (possessive love): Intense, obsessive love with strong feelings of jealousy and emotional highs and lows
Agape (selfless, giving love): Altruistic love that puts the well-being of the partner above one's own needs
Lee's model complements Sternberg's approach by considering not only the structure but also the "style" of love and thus describing further facets of our experiences of love.
Passionate vs. companionate love
Elaine Hatfield and Ellen Berscheid, two pioneers of scientific love research, distinguish between two basic forms of love:
Passionate love: A state of intense longing for union with another person, characterised by cognitive (intrusive thoughts), emotional (attraction, longing) and behavioural components. This form is typical of early relationship phases and is biochemically linked to the neurotransmitter dopamine.
C companionate love: A deep affection for people with whom our lives are closely interwoven. It is often described as a "steady burning fire" and is associated with oxytocin and vasopressin, hormones that promote bonding and trust.
This distinction is also reflected in recent neurobiological studies, which show that different brain systems and neurotransmitters are involved in different forms of love.
Cross-cultural perspectives
Scientific research shows that while love is an almost universal human phenomenon, its perception, expression and meaning can vary culturally:
In individualistic cultures (such as in North America and Western Europe), romantic love is often seen as the primary basis for marriage, with a strong emphasis on passion and individual fulfilment.
In collectivist cultures (such as in parts of Asia), family harmony and social recognition can often be more important than individual romantic preferences. Here, love often develops after marriage, based on shared values and compatibility.
These cultural differences remind us that scientific models of love, as helpful as they may be, must always be interpreted in a cultural context.
"Science shows that there is no 'one' right way to love. Different forms of love can be valuable in different phases of life and relationships."
The dynamics of love - change over time
One of the most important findings of love research is that love is not a static state, but develops and changes continuously over the course of a relationship. Sternberg's model is an excellent way of describing this dynamic.
Typical development patterns in the Sternberg triangle
Characteristic changes in the components of love can be observed in many relationships:
From romantic to companionate love: Relationships often begin with a combination of intimacy and passion. Over time, a stronger commitment component develops, while the intensity of the passion can diminish. Thus, romantic love (intimacy + passion) often turns into companionate love (intimacy + commitment) or, ideally, into perfect love if all three components remain intact.
From the absence to the development of commitment: The attachment component may initially be weak, especially in younger people or in the early phase of a relationship. Infatuation (passion) can turn into romantic love through increasing intimacy and finally, if both partners decide in favour of each other, into complete love.
The path to perfect love is rarely linear. Rather, couples go through different phases in which different components can be stronger or weaker. Neurobiological studies support this observation: neurotransmitters such as dopamine and noradrenaline, which are associated with excitement and passion, often dominate in early relationship phases, while bonding hormones such as oxytocin and vasopressin play a greater role in long-term relationships.
The good news from research: contrary to the popular assumption that passion must inevitably wane, studies show that even in long-term relationships, all three components - including passion - can be maintained at a high level. This state of "long-term intense romantic love" differs from the obsessive early phase and combines the intensity of passion with the security of a deep commitment.
The role of conscious decisions
An important aspect that Sternberg's model emphasises is the active role that we can play in our love relationships. The attachment component in particular involves conscious decisions:
The decision to stay in the relationship, even when challenges arise
The active cultivation of intimacy through open communication and shared experiences
The creation of space for passion through conscious attention and new experiences
This active relationship building is supported by scientific studies that show that successful couples use certain maintenance strategies, including positivity, openness, reassurances, the involvement of social networks and the fair sharing of tasks.
Case study: The development of a romantic relationship
Julia and Martin met at a party eight years ago. The initial attraction (passion) was strong and they spent every spare minute together. Within a few months, a deep emotional connection (intimacy) developed. During this phase, their love was predominantly romantic (intimacy + passion).
After about two years, they decided to move in together and make long-term plans. The commitment component became stronger and their relationship developed into perfect love (all three components). In the years that followed, they went through different phases - passion sometimes suffered during stressful career phases, and intimacy was affected during a communication crisis.
Today, after eight years, they have found a balance in which all three components are present, albeit in a different form than at the beginning. The passion is less overwhelming, but deeper. The intimacy now includes difficult shared experiences, and their bond is strengthened through conscious choices for the relationship.
Practical application - understanding your own love
The scientific models of love are more than theoretical constructs - they can help us to better understand our own relationships and shape them more consciously.
Self-reflection: localising your own experience of love
Take a moment to think about your current or last relationship:
Which of the three Sternberg components do you feel most strongly?
Are there any components that you miss or that have changed?
How would you describe the nature of your love in the Sternberg model?
This reflection can provide valuable insights and also help to recognise unrealistic expectations. Not every relationship needs to have all three components in equal measure to be valuable and fulfilling.
Partnership agreement
A particular challenge arises when partners live or expect different types of love. If, for example:
One person experiences and expects romantic love (intimacy + passion), while the other seeks companionate love (intimacy + commitment)
One partner strives for perfect love, while the other is satisfied with pure friendship plus (intimacy)
Passion is central to one person, while it seems secondary to the other
"According to Sternberg, a relationship can also work without all three components - the decisive factor is that both partners have similar expectations and are satisfied with the nature of their relationship."
Such differences are not unusual and do not necessarily lead to failure. Open communication about your own needs and expectations is crucial. Partners can often work together to strengthen underrepresented components.
Communication via love components
Talking about love components can seem unfamiliar at first, but the scientific model provides a common language:
Instead of saying, "You don't love me enough," it might be more helpful to say, "I want more intimacy through deeper conversations" or "I miss passionate moments between us"
Instead of vague expectations, you can express specific wishes: "It's important to me that we can make long-term plans" (commitment) or "I need more moments where we feel emotionally close" (intimacy)
This more precise language helps to avoid misunderstandings and to identify concrete steps for relationship management.
Growth prospects
Research shows that all components of love can be actively nurtured and strengthened:
For more intimacy:
Regular in-depth conversations about thoughts, feelings and experiences
Joint activities that encourage emotional connection
Active listening and empathy for your partner's experiences
For more passion:
Creation of novelties and shared adventures
Conscious cultivation of romance and erotic elements
Space for excitement through occasional distance and surprises
For more bonding:
Open discussions about shared ideas for the future
Demonstrate reliability and commitment in everyday life
Identify and strengthen shared values and goals
Conclusion: The personal love map
The scientific models of love, especially Sternberg's triangle theory, offer us a valuable map to better understand the many manifestations of love. They help us to recognise that love is not simply a uniform feeling, but a complex interplay of different components that can manifest themselves differently over time and in different relationships.
The most important findings can be summarised as follows:
Love consists of different components (intimacy, passion, commitment), which can occur in different combinations.
No type of love is "better" or "more right" per se than another - the decisive factor is the agreement between the partners and their own satisfaction.
Love is dynamic and changes over the course of a relationship, whereby typical development patterns can be recognised.
All components of love can be actively cultivated and strengthened.
Understanding the different types of love can improve communication in relationships and promote realistic expectations.
Despite the valuable guidance offered by scientific models, love ultimately remains a deeply personal experience. The "love map" can help us to navigate, but every person and every relationship ultimately charts its own unique path.
Research into romantic relationships is constantly evolving. Current studies are investigating, for example, how modern technologies are changing our romantic relationships, how cultural differences shape our experiences of love and how neurobiological processes interact with psychological experiences. These ongoing findings will further deepen and refine our understanding of love.
Ultimately, the scientific understanding of love is not a substitute for experiencing it, but an enrichment - a compass that helps us to love and be loved more consciously.
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