Learning to love again? Couples therapist explains: This is important after major disappointments
Betrayal, separation, disappointment—bad experiences in love hurt and can fundamentally shake our trust in this important human emotion. Can we learn to love again? LemonSwan expert and experienced couples therapist Michael Cöllen answers these and other questions on the subject in the following interview. He explains what love actually is, in which phases of life we find it easier or harder to love, and gives specific tips on how to relearn it.
What exactly is love?
Love occurs in the simultaneous exchange of body, mind, and soul between two people—in mutual resonance and responsibility.
Deep and comprehensive love is fulfilled on the five pillars of dialogue in every couple's relationship: in the dialogue between two people consisting of body, emotion, language, finding meaning, and quality time together. Love is the meaning, dialogue is the way—that is my principle. Love gives our lives meaning – more than capital, possessions, or power. In fact, 80 percent of all citizens in Germany consider a successful romantic relationship to be the most important thing in their lives*.
Can you relearn love?
Can repeated failures and bad experiences cause you to “unlearn” love, or can you always love again?
Painful experiences, even physical and emotional breakdowns, can be difficult to cope with when they are caused by disappointment in love—and not everyone finds a way to heal these wounds.
Some suffer from them for a lifetime. But we cannot “unlearn” love itself. It is an innate and integral part of our humanity. Every deep wound of love leaves scars on the soul and creates fears of a new “love adventure.”
Nevertheless, even children who fall down and scrape their knees while learning to walk get up again and again – and eventually learn. That is why it is important not to dwell on injuries and grief, not to give up, but to dare to experience the “miracle of love” again and again and to learn to love properly.
The longing for fulfillment and security in love is a basic need of every human being. However, in order to be able to control our feelings and impulses in a targeted manner and to be able to love, we need a “toolbox” of knowledge, experience, and skills: empathy, emotional resonance, depth of feeling, and emotional language are essential for finding a genuine and soulful exchange in dialogue with another person.
Does love change with age?
Are there phases in life when love comes more easily or more difficultly? Does this have anything to do with age, for example?
All human love goes through five cycles:
Impulsive, naive attraction and devotion (ages 15–25),
Conscious and planned development of a romantic relationship (ages 25–35),
Taking stock in midlife (ages 35–45),
The onset of aging (ages 45–55),
Exclusive togetherness (ages 65 and up).
The transition from one cycle to the next is often associated with relationship crises, but is part of the normal maturing process of love. A deep culture of dialogue and debate is crucial to mastering these transitions together.
Human love begins more impulsively and passionately at a young age—around 20—and changes with age. Instead of wild passion, we often experience a deeper, spiritual connection and happy intimacy later in life. Statistics show that people in a loving relationship live up to seven years longer on average.
How can a reputable dating agency help you learn to love again?
Today, around 40 percent of couples meet through dating agencies (internet, ads)**. Studies show that such relationships are actually more lasting and stable than those formed through impulsive, intuitive chance encounters (Altmann GmbH 1971). The structured approach of a reputable dating agency offers time and space to approach each other cautiously
and test mutual compatibility. Today, this is more important than ever, as our fast-paced lives leave little room for getting to know each other slowly. Reputable dating agencies make it possible to consciously take the time to test and explore a new love.
What can I do specifically to learn to love again?
In order to learn to love again, people who have experienced separation, divorce, relationship crises, infidelity, or bitter disappointment should engage in honest self-reflection. In virtually no romantic drama is the other person solely to blame.
Recognize your own mistakes: The first step is to recognize your own mistakes, name them specifically, and admit them to others (relevant people).
Seek criticism: Ask people who know you well for honest and critical feedback. What bothers them about your behavior?
Ask for forgiveness: Sincerely ask your lost loved one for forgiveness for your mistakes and also ask for an apology from your ex-partner. Dialogue is important, even if it is difficult.
Reflect on the “wounded child”: Ask yourself: How did I learn love in my childhood—or did I not learn it at all? What emotional deficits do I carry with me?
Work through “past baggage”: Discuss past relationship patterns and hurts with a potential new partner or a close confidant. Learn a language of love: Develop a culture of emotional dialogue with your new/potential partner that promotes intimacy, empathy, emotional depth, erotic excitement, and spiritual resonance. Learning love anew also means developing a healthy culture of conflict resolution. It's about communication, forgiveness, and the willingness to embark on the adventure of love again and again.
About Michael Cöllen
Michael Cöllen (born in Colmar in 1944) is a German psychologist, couples and sex therapist, and non-fiction author specializing in integrative couples therapy and couples synthesis. Until 1985, Cöllen was head of marriage and family counseling at Caritas Hamburg. He then worked as a mentor in the training of marriage counselors on behalf of the German Bishops' Conference and as head of department at the Fritz Perls Institute for Gestalt Therapy. He also held teaching positions at the University of Applied Sciences and the University of Hamburg.
Cöllen was co-author of the NDR television series “Ich und Du” (You and Me), which dealt with relationship problems.
He currently heads the training and continuing education programs of the German Society for Integrative Couples Therapy and Couples Synthesis at the Osterberg Institute and the Odenwald Institute of the Karl Kübel Foundation for Children and Families.
Since 1975, he has developed a couples therapy method called “couples synthesis,” which he has continuously refined.***
Further information can be found here.
About LemonSwan
LemonSwan was founded in Hamburg in 2017 by Arne Kahlke and Paul Uhlig with the aim of providing the best possible online dating service. The platform uses scientifically based personality tests and personal support to bring together people who are looking for an honest, long-term relationship. LemonSwan places particular emphasis on a safe and trustworthy environment in which people looking for a partner, especially women, can feel comfortable. Each profile is checked manually and the latest technology is used to set our own standards in terms of security and quality. LemonSwan offers free premium memberships to single parents and students. Since 2024, the company has been managed by Paul Uhlig and Britta Künstler. For more information, visit: www.lemonswan.com
Contact persons:
Victoria Ott & Barbara Albrecht
Email: [email protected]
Sources:
*Michael Cöllen, Learning Model Love, 2012, Springer Vienna
** Michael Cöllen, Learning Model Love, 2012, Springer Vienna
