36 Questions to Fall in Love: Science, Questions, and How to Get to Know Each Other Better
The “36 Questions to Fall in Love” have attracted a lot of attention in recent years. The concept is based on a study by psychologist Arthur Aron, which shows how specific questions can help build a deeper emotional bond between two people. Would you like to learn more about how questions work, where they come from, and how they can be used effectively to deepen relationships? In this article, you will learn more about the scientific background, get the complete list of questions, and learn how you can use them to get to know each other on a deeper level.
The science behind the 36 questions
How do the 36 questions work?
The “36 questions to fall in love” are based on a study by American psychologist Arthur Aron, which was first published in 1997 under the title “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness.” In this experiment, Aron brought couples who did not know each other before closer together by asking them these specific questions. The goal was to initiate intimate and meaningful conversations that normally only take place between people in an existing relationship.
Aron's hypothesis is based on the idea that intimacy and emotional closeness can be promoted through the exchange of personal information and mutual understanding. The questions are therefore divided into three stages, each delving deeper into personal and emotional topics. This gradual increase is intended to encourage participants to show themselves to be more vulnerable and thus build a deeper connection with their counterpart.
This method of promoting intimacy is supported by further studies. For example, Cohen and Strayer (1996) showed in their study that empathy plays a central role in establishing emotional closeness. The more the respondents were able to put themselves in their counterpart's shoes, the stronger the perceived connection.
Another aspect highlighted in the study by Laurenceau et al. (1998) is the importance of self-disclosure and the response of the conversation partner. By consciously revealing personal thoughts and feelings and responding to them with empathy, the intimacy between conversation partners can be deepened in a lasting way.
The “36 questions” are thus more than just a game—they are a tool based on scientific findings that can be used specifically to deepen interpersonal relationships and create a deeper emotional understanding.
The 36 Questions
The Questions: Step by Step to Falling in Love
The 36 questions are divided into three stages, which intensify from stage to stage. Each stage aims to deepen the trust and familiarity between the conversation partners. Below is the complete list of questions, which you can use in this order to achieve the best results.
Stage 1: Breaking the ice
If you could invite anyone in the world to dinner, who would it be?
Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Have you ever rehearsed what you want to say before calling someone? Why?
What does a “perfect” day look like for you?
When was the last time you sang for yourself? And for someone else?
If you could live to be 90 and have the body or mind of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?
Do you have a secret premonition about how you will die?
Name three things you have in common with the person you are talking to.
What are you most grateful for in your life?
If you could change something about your upbringing, what would it be?
Take four minutes and tell your conversation partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
If you could wake up tomorrow with a new trait or ability, what would it be?
Level 2: Deeper questions
If you could read the truth about yourself, your life, your future, or anything else in a crystal ball, what would you like to know?
Is there something you've always wanted to do but never done? Why not?
What has been the greatest success in your life?
What do you value most in a friendship?
What is your fondest memory?
What is your worst memory?
If you knew you were going to die suddenly in a year, would you change anything about the way you live? Why?
What does friendship mean to you?
What role do love and affection play in your life?
Name something you consider to be a positive character trait of your partner. Name a total of five things.
How close and warm is your family? Do you think your childhood was happier than most other people's?
What is your relationship with your mother like?
Stage 3: Building trust and closeness
Make three true “we” statements. For example: “Both of us in this room feel...”
Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone to share...”
If you were to become close friends, what should your partner definitely know about you?
Be honest and say things you wouldn't normally say to someone you've just met.
Tell your partner about an embarrassing moment in your life.
When was the last time you cried in front of someone? And when was the last time you cried in front of yourself?
Tell your partner what you already like about them.
What, if anything, is too serious to joke about?
If you were to die tonight without being able to talk to anyone about it, what would you regret most not having told anyone? Why haven't you told anyone yet?
Your house, containing everything you own, is on fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to save one last thing. What would it be? Why?
Which family member's death would affect you the most? Why?
Talk about a personal problem and ask your partner for advice on how they would handle it. Also ask your partner to think about how you feel when you talk about this problem.
These questions require courage and openness, as they often delve deeper into the personalities of those involved than ordinary conversations. If you ask these questions in a calm and respectful setting, you can connect on a very deep and emotional level.
Here, you will notice much more quickly than usual whether you are also compatible on a deeper level.
How the questions can help you
When and how to use the 36 questions
The 36 questions can be used in various situations to deepen existing relationships or to create new connections. However, it is important to choose the right time and context for using these questions.
The first meetings:
The 36 questions can be an excellent way to move from the typical superficiality of first encounters to a truly meaningful exchange. By gradually intensifying the questions, the conversation can be deepened in a natural way and an atmosphere of trust can be created. However, it is advisable not to start with the most intense questions on the first date. Approach the subject slowly and make sure that you both feel comfortable. We recommend asking these questions on the second or third date. By then, you will already know whether you generally like each other and can deepen your acquaintance in a playful way. Of course, the whole thing is not a must.
In-depth conversations in an existing relationship:
Even in long-term relationships, the 36 questions can be used to discover new facets of your partner and strengthen your emotional bond. Couples often fall into a routine where deep conversations about personal dreams, fears, or hopes are neglected. These questions offer a structured way to revive such conversations.
Use in couples therapy:
Couples therapists occasionally use the 36 questions as a tool to help couples reconnect and overcome old conflicts. The questions can help couples gain new perspectives on their partner and develop a deeper understanding of each other.
A study by Sedikides and Campbell (1999) emphasizes that the pursuit of self-improvement and self-disclosure can positively influence the quality of relationships. In this context, the 36 questions can act as a catalyst to set this process in motion. Consciously examining your own answers and those of your partner can help you to understand yourself and the other person better and also take your mature relationship to a new level.
Important tips for conducting the conversation:
A respectful and open atmosphere is essential when using the 36 questions. Both conversation partners should be willing to be honest and vulnerable, while also responding sensitively to each other's answers. It is important to take your time and make sure that both partners feel comfortable. If one of the partners feels that a question is too personal, this should be respected.
Potential benefits and limitations of the method:
Although the 36 questions can be an effective tool for deepening relationships, it is important not to view the method as a panacea. Not everyone will be able to open up in this way, and not every relationship will automatically be intensified by these questions. Sometimes it may be necessary to take other supportive measures to strengthen or save a relationship.
Success and criticism
Do the 36 questions really work?
The “36 questions to fall in love” have attracted worldwide attention and have been tried by many people to deepen their relationships. Numerous success stories show that this method can actually work. Many couples report that answering the questions has brought them closer together and helped them discover sides of their partner they didn't know before.
For example, a LemonSwan couple who tried these questions on their first dates reported that after the conversation, they felt connected in a way they never expected. This intense and honest communication laid the foundation for a deep relationship that continues to this day.
Of course, there are also critical voices. Some find the questions too intrusive or artificial and argue that true love and intimacy cannot be created by a predetermined list of questions. This criticism is justified, because not every relationship or person is the same. While some people can build a deeper relationship through the questions, others feel uncomfortable revealing so much about themselves. For this reason, we generally recommend waiting until the second or third meeting to ask the more in-depth questions and not losing sight of the playful aspect.
Science also shows that these questions are not a panacea. A study by Sprecher et al. (2013) examined the relationship between self-disclosure and perceived closeness. The results show that self-disclosure can indeed have a positive effect on perceived closeness, confirming the effectiveness of the 36 questions. However, the success of this method depends heavily on individual personalities and couple dynamics.
Another perspective is offered by the study by Slatcher and Pennebaker (2006), which examines the positive effects of expressive writing on interpersonal bonds. Here, too, it is shown that the conscious and structured exchange of thoughts and feelings—similar to the 36 questions—can strengthen interpersonal bonds.
Compared to other methods of deepening a relationship, such as couples therapy or shared experiences, the 36 questions offer a simple and accessible way to get to know each other in a new way. They do not require professional guidance and can be done anywhere, making them a flexible tool for couples.
Nevertheless, it is important to be aware that the 36 questions are no guarantee of falling in love or a successful relationship. However, they can be a wonderful way to lay the foundation for a deeper relationship and bring conversations to an honest and meaningful level.
Conclusion
The “36 Questions to Fall in Love” are more than just a viral phenomenon—they are based on sound psychological research and offer a unique opportunity to promote depth and intimacy in a relationship. While they are no guarantee of love and commitment, they can be a powerful tool for initiating meaningful conversations and connecting with another person on a deeper level.
Scientific findings and the experiences of many couples show that honest self-disclosure and empathetic responses are key elements in building a strong emotional bond. Whether on a first date, in a long-term relationship, or as part of a therapeutic intervention, the 36 questions offer a structured way to promote these elements.
Ultimately, it is important that you approach this method with openness and respect. If you decide to use the 36 questions in your own life, you should be willing to be vulnerable while also creating a space where your partner feels comfortable.
If you are ready to dive deeper into your relationships, this could be the first step—or at least an interesting attempt to discover the magic of love through honest conversation.
If you would like to learn more about the psychology of love, we recommend the further articles and interviews in our guide, which deal with the deeper mechanisms of interpersonal bonds.
At LemonSwan, you have the opportunity to use these questions directly on our platform to connect with potential partners and reach a deeper level of getting to know each other. Try it out and experience how these questions can enrich your encounters.
