Learning to love – have singles forgotten how to love? Couples therapist Michael Cöllen shares his insights.
Sometimes love means work, and sometimes you have to learn to love. And for very different reasons, many singles don't find it. Michael Cöllen provides insights and reveals what love can be and how you can learn to love. Mr. Cöllen, you have been doing your important work for almost half a century. You accompany couples and singles through difficult phases. Please explain to us:
What is love? And what does it have to do with a long-term stable relationship?
Love is the intense exchange between the bodies, minds, and souls of two people. Exchange here means deep dialogue. Stable loving relationships are based on five central forms of dialogue. If this dialogue works on all levels, the relationship is successful and fulfilling. However, if one pillar begins to falter, the relationship also loses its balance. We divide communication between two lovers into the following five forms of dialogue:
1. Physical dialogue
Describes physical togetherness. This includes sensuality and eroticism as well as caring for each other's bodies and mutual health care.
2. Emotional dialogue
A partnership thrives on being able to share one's innermost feelings, allowing vibrations between each other and communicating them.
3. Verbal dialogue
Partners need everyday language as well as emotional language and the courage to address mistakes in order to correct them.
4. Meaningful dialogue
This is based on emotional understanding and also includes asking interested questions about the other person's worries and needs and their desires.
5. Time dialogue
Giving time means giving love. It is important to make time for each other again and again, during which no other topics play a role. No TV is on and the phone remains off!
Why does it seem that some singles have forgotten how to love in this way?
This is mainly because there are many loners and narcissists among “solo artists” who place such a high value on satisfying their own needs that their partner's needs are neglected.
As a result, they usually only stay with their partner until difficulties or arguments arise. They simply find it unnecessary to deal with problematic issues in a relationship. Learning to love is too exhausting for them. The more convenient solution for them is to end the relationship and look for a new partner.
This does not do justice to many “loving” singles! Where do narcissism and egocentricity come from?
In our society, there is a strong trend toward self-optimization. In reality, this means a downward spiral for humanity, which industry has been promoting for years!
No wonder: individuals are expected to sell themselves and experience life in the best possible way, and to consume diligently in order to do so. For corporations, this naturally means profit.
What is really fatal is that consumer expectations are rising in all areas of life. This also applies to love. So singles don't necessarily want to be single. But they find it difficult to deal with both sides of the coin. A relationship is not only about highs, but also about lows.
Can you learn the ability to love, and if so, how?
We learn the ability to love in our parents' home. From our parents, siblings, but also our classmates, friends, and from each other in relationships. Especially in a relationship, it is important not to remain on the surface of feelings, but to dare to take the step to deeper feelings. Love requires empathy above all else, and for many, something particularly difficult: learning to forgive.
Apart from learning to forgive, what else helps to find and maintain a happy relationship?
Learning to deal with your own insecurity.
Being patient with each other.
Give each other a trial period characterized by lots of communication and dialogue. By that I mean communication between body, mind, and soul in equal measure.
Learning to love also means always feeling at home.
Recognizing your own identity and that of your partner as equal, i.e., having the courage to stand up for your own needs and those of your partner in equal measure.
Conclusion: Anyone can learn to love
We also see communication as the basis for a relationship between two people. That's why we create a safe space for this initial contact with our platform. Love can then gradually develop from this. Thank you very much, Mr. Cöllen, for your insights into the mystery of love.
