Relationship disputes - 6 reasons why arguments are important in a partnership

Relationship disputes. Everyone knows them, but no one likes them. Yet conflict situations are completely normal in a partnership. Did you know that it can even be important for your relationship to argue from time to time?

The key is not whether you argue, but how you argue. We have summarized the 10 most important rules for arguing and everything else you need to know about relationship conflicts:

Why arguing is important in a relationship – 6 reasons

Many couples believe that arguing is the first sign of a relationship crisis. But quite the opposite is true: arguing from time to time is actually very important for a healthy relationship. Here's why:

1. Arguments clear the air

There really is something to this old saying. If you avoid arguments with your partner, you may avoid conflict in the short term, but in the long term, it will only get worse!

2. Good for your health

Who would have thought? Arguing from time to time is also important for our mental health.

This is because when we argue, it triggers the release of happiness hormones, known as endorphins. These promote inner well-being, a balanced mood, and regulate our hormone balance.

If, on the other hand, we always try to avoid arguments in our relationship and swallow our frustration rather than expressing it, this can quickly lead to headaches, discomfort, sleep disorders and, in the worst case, even depression.

3. A sign of affection

It is certainly easier to avoid problems in our relationship and not address them.

On the other hand, if we argue, it is a clear sign that the issue is important to us and that we really care about the relationship.

4. Relationship arguments stimulate further development

If we prefer to avoid relationship conflicts rather than deal with them and find a solution, we are just going round in circles.

Confronting issues from time to time and risking an argument can bring a breath of fresh air and encourage continuous development in the relationship.

5. It strengthens the bond

“For better or for worse!” It's not without reason that this phrase is one of the most popular wedding vows.

Of course, no one enjoys arguing, but once the argument is over and you have found a solution to the problem together, your bond and mutual trust will be greater and stronger than before.

6. Arguments create emotional closeness

If we hide our deepest desires and needs from our partner for fear that it might hurt them or become a source of conflict, then that is the first step towards alienation.

A relationship can only work in the long term if you and your partner are connected not only on a physical level, but also on an emotional level. If you can also address conflicts and resolve them together, your partnership will be strong enough to weather any crises that may arise.

Arguing correctly – 10 rules

As you now know, arguing is actually quite important in a relationship. But that doesn't mean you should constantly yell at each other! Arguing correctly is the solution! These 10 rules will help you do just that:

1. Wishes instead of prohibitions

When we argue, we tend to accuse our partner of everything they have done wrong and everything we have never liked about them. Unfortunately, this is very counterproductive.

Instead of telling your partner what they shouldn't do, it's better to express your needs and wishes: So instead of saying, “You never have time for me!” say, “I've been missing you lately and would be very happy if we could spend a little more time together again!”

2. Respect

Treating each other with respect, even when you're angry, is essential in any relationship argument. Insults, eye rolling, or a nasty grin are absolute no-gos. You should also avoid making fun of your partner if they become emotional and perhaps start to cry.

3. No blanket accusations

Try to avoid phrases such as: “You always do ...!” or “You never do ...!” If your partner feels confronted with sweeping accusations, they will quickly become defensive and you will not achieve anything with your concerns.

4. Show understanding

The longer the argument lasts, the more we often become entrenched in our opinion. We become increasingly angry and think to ourselves: “Now I'm definitely not giving in!” We hardly notice the other person's opinion anymore and it simply bounces off us. Secretly, you probably know yourself that this is not exactly conducive to achieving your goal.

During the argument, try to put yourself in your partner's shoes. Why are they acting this way? And why do they have a different opinion on this topic than you? Of course, this does not mean that you have to share their opinion. Simply showing a little more understanding for your partner's views is often the key to solving the puzzle.

5. Take breaks from arguing

Never-ending arguments are nerve-wracking. At some point, both parties run out of new arguments and start repeating the same phrases over and over again. At this point, the argument becomes pointless. If you notice that you are both going nowhere, it is better to take a break.

6. Reconciliation

Whether it's just a minor squabble or a really heated argument, there should always be reconciliation at the end of your dispute. Especially with minor disputes, we tend to quickly give in and push the issue aside so that we don't have to deal with it any longer. This is a big mistake! If we only reconcile superficially, the underlying problem of the argument is not resolved, so that the next time a similar situation arises, it will flare up again, possibly even more intensely.

7. Willingness to compromise

Whether it's an argument with friends or with your partner: if both parties stubbornly insist on their opinion, it becomes impossible to find a solution. You'd rather go away for Christmas, but he insists on going to his family? Then it's best for both of you to meet halfway. For example, you could visit the family on Christmas Eve and then go on a romantic getaway. Compromise is the key to happiness.

8. Stay on topic

“But back then you...!” We've all been there: you start arguing about something minor, and quickly more and more issues come up. Old arguments that were actually resolved long ago are dug up again. It's better to avoid this and stay on topic.

9. Time-out

Have you ever reached the point in an argument where everything became too much and you just wanted to shout “STOP”? In a healthy culture of conflict resolution, it must be possible to take a break when things are not progressing.

If your partner asks for a short time-out, it is important that you accept this and do not chase after them because you still want to finish making your point. Postpone it! Postponed is not canceled.

10. The right time

Resolving an argument in the morning before your first coffee or when you are in a rush rarely ends well. It's better to address the issue when both of you have enough time and are calm. “Honey, I'd like to discuss something with you when we have a quiet moment!” Instead of just blurting it out, it can also be helpful to mention in advance that you'd like to talk.

How much arguing is normal?

Arguing can actually be good for a relationship. But what if the arguments never seem to end? What if a few small storm clouds occasionally turn into a never-ending storm?

In such a situation, the question quickly arises: how much arguing is actually normal? Five arguments a month are okay, but six or more is critical. It would be nice if it were that simple. You have probably already guessed that this question, as is almost always the case when it comes to love, is a little more complicated.

How often you argue and when it becomes critical depends on various factors.

Your living situation, for example, is a decisive factor. Couples who live together naturally have a much higher potential for conflict than those who live apart. But character also plays an important role. Extroverts are naturally prone to confrontation, so they simply argue more often. Peace-loving people, on the other hand, always strive to maintain harmony. It takes a lot to upset them.

The question of how much arguing is normal can therefore only be assessed on an individual basis for each relationship. The most important thing is to listen to your gut feeling and talk to your partner as soon as you no longer feel comfortable in the relationship!

Harmless argument or relationship crisis? - 6 signs

Are you arguing in a normal way, or could it be a sign of a real relationship crisis? These 6 signs suggest it is:

1. Always arguing about the same things

Even if they are mostly minor issues, constantly arguing about the same topic can be very frustrating in the long run. Ask yourself: Is it really his clothes lying around that make you so angry every time, or are there perhaps deeper reasons for your constant arguments?

2. Silence instead of arguing

Speech is silver, silence is golden. This does not apply to relationships. Of course, no one likes relationship arguments and discussions, but silence can be much worse. If you are tired of even bringing up topics of conflict and would rather say nothing than say the wrong thing again, this could be the first sign of a looming relationship crisis.

3. You no longer laugh together

Every couple argues. But once the argument is over, it should be fine again and you should be able to laugh about it together.

If you can no longer laugh together, that's not a good sign. Even worse: if you no longer laugh with each other, but instead laugh at each other. Whether in friendships or partnerships, spite and schadenfreude are real relationship killers.

4. Less intimacy

When was the last time you kissed your partner hello or just hugged them? Arguing from time to time can strengthen the bond between two people, but too much arguing alienates us and causes us to subconsciously distance ourselves more and more. It is not uncommon for mutual alienation to end in one of the partners being unfaithful.

5. Indifference

Jealousy and control issues are not good for any relationship. But if you don't care at all what your partner does, it can be even worse for your relationship. If personal space turns into indifference, it's a clear sign that you and your partner are in a relationship crisis.

6. Irritable mood

Too many relationship arguments quickly lead to an irritable mood. It's a vicious circle. The more irritable the general mood, the faster the next argument breaks out. Before you know it, all it takes is one wrong word and one of you will hit the roof.

5 tips – how to avoid arguments in your relationship

Although arguing can help, it's not necessary to always end up in a heated fight when there's a problem. It would be much nicer if you could resolve conflicts peacefully. The following five tips show you how:

1. Don't be afraid to address unpleasant issues

Often, something in our relationship is bothering us, but we don't dare to address it because we're afraid of hurting our partner. However, simply swallowing your worries is the wrong approach. This doesn't solve the problem, it just postpones it and you continue to agonize over it. Talk to your partner about your wishes and needs.

2. Find joint solutions to everyday problems

Everyday problems and conflicts in the household are popular topics for relationship arguments. When it comes to tidying up or cleaning the kitchen, most German couples get into arguments. But even washing dishes and DIY tasks can quickly lead to conflicts.

For recurring topics of argument, it can be helpful to consider binding rules for everyday life. For example, do you get upset every day because he leaves his shoes in the hallway? How about a nice new shoe rack right next to the front door?

3. Create a stress-free environment

You've both had a stressful day and come home from work exhausted and hungry. On days like this, your nerves are already on edge, and it only takes a small spark to set you off.

Of course, stress at work cannot be completely avoided—that would be too good to be true. But try to make your shared home a stress-free space and leave outside stress outside.

4. Is the relationship argument worth it?

After a relationship argument, do you often think, “Okay, it wasn't that bad.” Many arguments can be avoided in advance if we pause for a moment and consider whether it's really worth getting upset about.

5. Take a deep breath

When we are angry, our brain reacts as if we were in a dangerous situation. It releases huge amounts of adrenaline, ready to fight for survival. Who can think clearly and rationally in this state? Probably no one. But arguing without being able to think clearly? That makes just as little sense.

If we get upset about something, it can therefore be helpful to take a deep breath and calm down a little before confronting your partner with your displeasure. This usually allows the problem to be solved without any relationship arguments.

Checklist: What is important when arguing in a relationship:

• Arguing is important; it clears the air and is even good for your health.

• If you can solve problems together, it strengthens your bond and creates emotional closeness.

• Remain respectful when arguing, show willingness to compromise, and be understanding.

• Express your wishes instead of making accusations.

• Taking a break from arguing can be helpful, but never forget to reconcile at the end.

• How much arguing is normal depends on various factors. Pay attention to your well-being and listen to your gut feeling.

• Create a stress-free environment and talk to your partner about your concerns and needs to prevent relationship arguments.