Writing the first message: 6 tips, 7 mistakes, and what to do next
Have you discovered an interesting member, perhaps already exchanged a like or a smiley? How wonderful! Does what your counterpart says in the “About me” section match your interests and sense of humor? Then seize the opportunity and send a personal first message.
Are you afraid of writer's block? No problem, we're happy to help and have a few tips on how to write to men and women when looking for a partner online.
6 tips for writing a successful first message
1. Write a personal message
Every message you send to other members on LemonSwan should have a personal touch. Take the time to point out something you have in common in their online profile. Maybe you have similar hobbies or speak the same foreign language.
Common ground also makes it easier for the other person to respond. Ask interested questions about some of the answers in their profile: “How often do you go sailing?” Or “That trip to the south of France sounds great, how did you get around there?” Everyone likes open-ended questions.
2. Your first message should arouse curiosity
Just like in a personal encounter, the first impression forms the basis for further contact. Of course, it is permissible and desirable to promote yourself a little in your first message. Be careful not to overdo it. The opposite is also not recommended: serving up your own quirks on a silver platter. Choose the golden mean: reveal a few things about yourself that will make your potential partner curious.
3. Remain discreet
Especially at the beginning, you should refrain from asking overly personal questions. Conversely, you don't have to respond to every question from other members. Messages that are pages long right at the beginning of getting to know someone can be off-putting to other people looking for a partner.
Under certain circumstances, the recipient may feel pressured to write just as much – and therefore decide not to write at all. Short messages are ideal for making contact.
4. Always stay positive
A cheerful, humorous text has a much better chance of getting a reply than a serious or dry message. Did something funny or even embarrassing happen to you today? That's great, a little anecdote in your first message will help break the ice.
Maybe something similar has even happened to the other person. In any case, it shows that you can laugh at yourself and take things with humor.
5. Maintain a formal tone
A polite salutation, correct spelling, a nice closing remark—it may sound fussy, but many members find it very important that messages do not appear to be “scribbled down.”
Therefore, if you are not confident in your spelling, make the effort to write your message in a program with auto-correct.
6. Be tactful
At the beginning of your getting-to-know-you phase, only the written word counts. You have to slowly get used to each other's personal communication style, because a lot can be misinterpreted, especially in the beginning. After all, it's difficult to recognize gestures and facial expressions in your messages.
Short messages and patience are required here. Stay calm when waiting for a reply and don't immediately send another message.
You should avoid these 7 mistakes in your first message
1. Stay away from standard emails
Of course, it's okay to have a rough draft for initial messages to interesting members in your area—you don't have to reinvent the wheel with every message. But make sure your messages always have a personal touch. Messages like:
“Hello stranger, your profile appeals to me. I look forward to hearing from you.”
come across as unappealing and do not increase your chances. Even flirtatious phrases from the 1980s that may have been promising in the past, such as:
“I've lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?”
are unlikely to lead to success. Think about it: would you respond to a standard email that feels like it has been sent to 50 other members? Probably not.
2. Your first message should not be a novel!
Your message should make the other person curious with a few well-chosen pieces of information – not overwhelm or bore them. After all, brevity is the soul of wit, and this also applies to online dating. So keep your first message short and sweet and wait for a response. Refer to the other person's profile – maybe they like classical music? Then ask if he or she has been to the opera recently.
3. No ambushes
Overly blunt questions about plans to start a family or confronting someone with very specific visions of the future in your first message, such as
“I would like to move to a little house in the countryside. How about you?”
will scare most people off. Even if the other person actually shares your dreams. First, see if the chemistry between you is right. Then you can still lay your cards, or rather your ideas, on the table.
4. Stay authentic – dealing with foreign words
Take a subtle approach and mention, for example, a recent visit to an exquisite exhibition. Choose elegant transitions in your message or sprinkle in a funny association. Sometimes we may think we only have this one chance and have to make an impression at all costs.
But it's better to take your time instead of shooting your bolt right away: your counterpart will notice that you are an eloquent, well-read conversation partner at the latest when you meet for the first time.
5. Don't convey negativity
Perhaps you've been looking for a partner for a long time and are sometimes a little disillusioned:
“I probably won't hear from you anyway,” “Hopefully you'll be the one who finally replies,”
and so on can be rather off-putting. Enable an encounter on equal terms – and don't belittle yourself. The opposite is not very attractive to most singles either:
“I love walking around my airy loft.”
6. Cheap & obscene pick-up lines
Whether you're writing to a man or a woman, no one who is seriously looking for a partner wants to receive cheap or obscene pick-up lines. Do you really think that something like that will be well received by the other person? This also applies to all the cheesy pick-up lines you've heard before. If you find a profile really appealing and interesting, you should write a personalized message with serious intentions.
7. I-messages
When writing your first message, make sure you don't just talk about yourself. Of course, you can say a little bit about yourself, but don't give a monologue about yourself; instead, include a few questions.
“In my free time, I enjoy sports, cooking, and reading. I work a lot and enjoy my job, and I would describe myself as an active person. My career is very important to me, followed closely by my friends. If you find me interesting, feel free to write to me.”
Women never make the first move to initiate contact?
You're wrong. The days of traditional gender roles are long gone. Confidence and determination are what's needed. LemonSwan wanted to know how women take the first step in online dating. Women could choose up to three options. The majority of women initiate contact by writing a short message or sending a smile.
Often, they also send a “like,” which can refer to various characteristics. Perhaps still a little shy, but the determination to make the first move has also become a matter of course for women. This is clearly evident in online dating, where different customs apply than in “the wild”—fortunately! When looking for a partner online, it is more common than usual for women to take the initiative. Which, incidentally, many men find very attractive.
Writing to women: How to write a great first message!
How do women want to be written to? It's easier than you think.
1. Write in the early evening
The best time to write to women is in the early evening. That way, you can be sure that your lady love won't be disturbed by your message and will read it promptly and hopefully reply more quickly.
2. Find the right topics
What does her profile reveal? Are there any details that you find particularly interesting? Focus on these, because personalized messages are well received by women. When you write to a woman, there is really nothing worse than the classic copy and paste. Choose your topic carefully. She will appreciate it and will surely reply soon.
3. Tell her something about yourself
No, not a novel—we already explained above that this is a no-go. What might interest your lady love? Special hobbies, interests, etc. are a good start for your first message to a woman and make it easier to start a conversation.
4. Open-ended questions
If you write your first message to a woman and ask a closed question right at the beginning, you're making life difficult for yourself. Make a conscious effort to phrase questions in such a way that she can answer them easily. Open-ended questions are much more pleasant for both sides and get your chat rolling.
“Hey Lina, I just went jogging with my dog because I had to take advantage of the beautiful weather. How are you spending your sunny evening?”
Our tip: It's not just women who want to be approached this way; men also prefer short, personalized messages. So when you write to a man, keep the above tips in mind.
After the first message—what happens next?
The start has been successful and the first contact promising? After a few nice messages, the question inevitably arises: How do we proceed? Do we risk a phone call, or do we stick to messages until the first date?
1. After the first message: Keep at it
Don't be discouraged if you don't receive any replies to your first messages. Perhaps you've written to members who are already in close contact with someone else and don't want to date two people at the same time. So there's no reason to throw in the towel.
2. Change your search profile
Not enough partner suggestions? Why not expand your search settings? Perhaps you could extend the age limit or increase your search radius.
3. Stay relaxed
He's interested and you're writing back and forth diligently? Great. Then sit back and let him take the initiative sometimes. Don't push him, but let him ask you out on a date, for example. Many men appreciate it when you take your time to develop interest.
4. Messages – the best solution for those who are shy on the phone
Some members find it easier to express themselves in writing than to talk directly on the phone. It's best to only pick up the phone if you get on really well with your online contact and feel confident in your interactions with them based on your messages so far.
5. The first phone call: exciting, but usually uncomplicated
You may have concerns before the first conversation: What if we have nothing to say to each other? Or what if we constantly interrupt each other? Such worries are usually unfounded.
A phone call can help reduce the excitement before the first date a little. You get to know the other person's voice and can get a better picture of each other. Members who have little experience with online dating in particular gain confidence through a phone call.
