Friendship after a breakup: 5 rules you should follow
When it comes to friendship after a breakup, opinions are divided: for some, it's a given, while for others, it's unimaginable.
Read here to find out how a friendship with your ex can work, what you need to bear in mind, and how to deal with your new partner's jealousy.
8 reasons why we want to stay friends with our ex
Friendship after a breakup, also known as “conscious uncoupling,” is very much in vogue right now. But why do we actually want to stay friends after a breakup?
Two researchers at Oakland University investigated this question. They found that most people have no genuine interest in remaining friends with their ex, but rather have entirely selfish motives. The six main reasons are:
1. Shared circle of friends
The most common reason why couples remain friends after a breakup is their shared circle of friends, which they do not want to lose.
2. Shared property or children
Another reason often cited in the study is shared property, such as a joint bank account or shared responsibility for a child or pet.
3. Sex
Never have sex with your ex again! This resolution does not seem to apply to everyone. Many people maintain contact with their ex after the breakup in the hope of a few last passionate hours.
4. Sentimentality
When it comes to love, even the toughest guy can get sentimental. Many ex-partners like to look back on their time together and therefore try to maintain a friendship with their ex.
5. For your own benefit
Does your ex come from a good family or have they always been very helpful? Many people like to keep someone like that around in case of an emergency.
6. Feelings
Those who are not quite over their partner still like to remain on friendly terms with them.
5 rules for staying friends with your ex
“It's over, but let's definitely stay friends!” We've all heard or said something like this at some point. To ensure that these words don't remain empty promises, you should follow these 5 rules:
1. Neither of you has feelings for the other anymore
The most important thing for a friendship to work after a breakup is that both people are completely over the relationship. If one of you still has feelings for your ex-partner, the friendship will fail sooner or later.
2. Have a thorough discussion after the breakup
The basis for a successful friendship with your former partner is a thorough discussion. Only when all common points of contention have been resolved can a friendly new beginning work.
3. Divide shared possessions and clarify responsibilities
Just as important as resolving past issues once and for all is ensuring that the friendship is not burdened by new issues. Do you have a shared apartment, a joint bank account, or shared responsibility for a child or pet?
Then clarify ownership and responsibility here. A separation/divorce counselor can be helpful in this regard.
4. Both want the friendship
It is also important that both want the friendship after the breakup. Because, as with any partnership, the same applies to friendship: it always takes two!
5. Set clear boundaries
The fifth rule for a successful friendship with your ex is: set clear boundaries. Too much physical contact, flirting, or ambiguous signals are taboo!
When does friendship after a breakup not work?
Break up or stay together? It's not an easy decision. But even if you've decided to call it quits, there are often still many questions left unanswered. Can friendship with your ex really work? Whether it works or not depends largely on why you broke up.
Friendships after breakups due to cheating, lying, and betrayal are doomed to fail. The hurt and loss of trust of the person who was cheated on are usually too great.
Even if one of the two still has feelings for the other, the rule is: hands off!
In addition, there are of course always partners who categorically rule out friendship with their ex, even in the case of an amicable breakup. Of course, this must be accepted, because friendship cannot be forced any more than a relationship can!
Friendship despite new partners – preventing jealousy
You have a shared and wonderful past and have experienced a lot together. That's why friendship with your ex should definitely be allowed, despite new partners!
But what if your new partner is jealous?
These 6 things can help:
1. Allay fears
It's best to nip any jealousy in the bud. Talk to your partner and maybe even introduce your new partner to your ex. A casual meeting to get to know each other has often helped.
2. Open and honest communication
Tell your new partner if you are still friends with your ex! Secrets and lies only lead to mistrust and fuel jealousy.
3. Create clear boundaries
Even if it should be obvious, it's always good to spell it out clearly. Make it clear to your new partner that they are your number one and that you no longer have feelings for your old love!
4. No stories about your ex
It's best to refrain from stories and tales about your former partner. Dwelling on the past will not be beneficial to the new relationship.
5. Ask him what he thinks about it
Of course, it's ultimately your decision whether you want to stay friends with your ex or not. You shouldn't let your new partner stop you from doing so, but sometimes it's enough to ask your new partner for his opinion.
This makes him feel involved in the decision and allows you to set common ground rules.
6. Put yourself in his shoes
It can often be helpful to think about how you would deal with the situation yourself. How would you feel if your new partner was still good friends with his ex? Wouldn't you like it very much? Then you should also be a little lenient with your new partner if he is not exactly thrilled about your friendship with your ex.
Friendship right away or does it take time?
No matter how amicable the breakup was, a smooth transition from relationship to friendship is almost impossible.
Especially after long-term relationships, a breakup always means a big change in life. Both partners should therefore take enough time to reorganize their own lives.
It can take months or even years for both partners to process the breakup and be ready for friendship.
The length of the “finding phase” depends heavily on how the breakup went.
Especially in the case of a very abrupt breakup after a long-term relationship, it usually takes a while for both partners to be able to approach each other again.
The most important points summarized: the friendship after separation checklist
Think about why you want to remain friends and be honest with yourself: do you still have feelings for them, or do you just want to take advantage of their helpfulness? If so, it's better to leave it alone!
A good friendship with your ex only works if both of you want it, you set clear boundaries, and neither of you has any more feelings.
Breakups due to cheating, lying, and betrayal are doomed to fail when it comes to friendship!
You can easily prevent jealousy from your new partner with open communication and a little sensitivity.
A smooth transition from relationship to friendship is almost impossible! Take as much time as you both need.
Finally, always remember: breakups make us stronger! We learn to be independent and make our own decisions.
And: the more breakups we have behind us, the easier it is to be friends afterwards! ;)
