On-off relationship: 4 triggers, 8 tips, and how to turn it into something permanent
On-off relationship. Always this back and forth. Drama and arguments, love and happiness within a very short time—in an endless loop. What exactly does an on-off relationship mean? What are the typical triggers for this constant back and forth, and how can you finally get out of this on-off relationship? We don't want to keep you in suspense for long, so let's get straight to the point!
What is an on-off relationship?
When couples are in a so-called on-off relationship, it means that they break up and then get back together again after a short time. And this happens over and over again. Like a light switch that is constantly being turned on and off. One moment they are floating on cloud nine, and the next moment there is drama, arguments, and the pain of separation. It's a never-ending cycle of separation, reconciliation, relationship, and then separation again. You can find out how such a toxic relationship comes about in the next section.
4 Triggers of an on-off relationship
1. Fear of commitment
Fear of commitment is one of the most common triggers for people slipping into an on-off relationship. Despite intensive efforts, these people simply cannot commit to a partner.
The causes of fear of commitment lie in a dysfunctional relationship with parents, childhood experiences of attachment, hurt and fear of loss from past relationships, and personal inferiority complexes.
2. Narcissism as a cause of toxic relationships
A narcissistic partner is usually extremely self-absorbed and admires one thing above all else: themselves. To get what they want, they push others into a position of dependence. Sweet words and lots of promises are part of their ploy to make you feel like you are a valuable part of their life.
However, if things go against them and you question their needs and demands or, to put it bluntly, simply contradict them, you will not only be emotionally blackmailed, but often even devalued.
An on-off relationship is likely, because as soon as the narcissist realizes that he can continue to control you, he will do so. These constant power games and control have an extreme effect on your relationship and could therefore also be a trigger for your on-off relationship.
3. The problem with the ex
You have actually broken up, but you haven't really come to terms with the breakup yet. Or maybe you are subconsciously already facing a breakup?
When you say the famous phrase “We need a break,” all the alarm bells should go off.
In 90% of all cases, the phrase backfires because if you have reached the point where you need a physical and emotional separation, something is wrong in your relationship. It could well be the trigger for your personal on-off relationship. Relationship break – couple – relationship break – couple. Or if you are already separated, but decide to give the relationship another chance because one of you persuades the other or another argument arises that tips the scales again.
4. General uncertainty
Above all, major life changes such as the end of college or a move to a new job cause us to reflect on a number of things. General uncertainty about one's own life, relationship, and future can quickly become frightening and trigger an on-off relationship.
Imagine you move to another city, but your partner stays behind. At first, the long-distance relationship is going well and your partner wants to follow. As soon as you realize that you don't actually want that, you pull back and complications arise. You don't want a break, but the uncertainty doesn't go away and boom: welcome to your on-off relationship.
Typical consequences of an on-off relationship
A study by the University of Illinois identified the consequences that an on-off relationship can have on a person. People who constantly break up and get back together can be negatively affected by this emotional strain.
1. Lack of communication
In an on-off relationship, the problem of poor communication increases because no one really knows where they stand. This behavior pattern could quickly be adopted in future relationships.
2. Depression
Due to the high emotional stress in such a toxic relationship, a kind of depression can follow. The deep unease and constant change are not easy to cope with, and those affected often think that they themselves are the problem.
3. Anxiety
Anxiety is also a common consequence of an on-off relationship. The fear of slipping back into such a relationship becomes greater and greater. The fear of being hurt also increases dramatically.
4. Inability to form attachments
The insecure attachment in the past can lead to a mild form of attachment disorder. Your toxic relationship makes the person think that they cannot have a proper relationship or that they are so caught up in this rhythm that they cannot imagine anything else.
8 tips for escaping an on-off relationship
1. Make decisions
You need to make a clear decision about what you want and stick to it. If the miserable back and forth is too much for you, you need to make a decision and put an end to it.
Important: Don't fall for “We can stay friends,” because there is a particularly high risk of quickly falling back into the familiar on-off relationship.
2. Clear out your things
Do you still have things belonging to your partner at your place? Pack everything into a box and give it back to them. All these things are a constant reminder of your time together, preventing you from moving on. The motto “out of sight, out of mind” is actually quite apt here.
3. Make your own plans
Make plans on your own without your partner. You've probably already planned your vacations and everyday life around your partner. Now start making your own plans, such as finally taking that vacation with your friends or trying out that new sport you've been thinking about for ages. The more often you send the signal that you don't have time and show that you can do without them, the easier it will be for you to eventually give up the uncertain relationship altogether.
4. Become independent to escape the toxic relationship
Become independent! Do you jump up as soon as your partner snaps their fingers and expects you to be there, but nothing ever happens the other way around? In an on-off relationship, there is often one person who always gives and another who takes more. So become independent and say no more often or plan other activities. You will quickly realize whether you are important to the other person or whether it is more of an “off relationship.”
5. What really speaks in favor of the relationship?
Start questioning this. Why exactly are you putting yourself through this back and forth? Is it love or just habit? Probably a mixture of both, coupled with the fear of losing the good sides too. One is nice and pleasant, but the other is full of torment, pain, and sadness. So what do you really want?
Be sure to draw a line under it. Of course, you'll experience heartbreak because you have feelings, but you won't be happy if you keep breaking up every few weeks or months and getting hurt.
6. Learn to be alone
Many couples don't break up completely because they're afraid of what will happen after the breakup. Of being alone. Similarly, there are many people who cannot be alone and must first learn how to do so. So take control of your life and do what you want to do. Listen to your inner voice—what do you really want, what do you long for?
Draw a line under your on-off relationship and get to know other sides of yourself. Use this as a new beginning.
7. Stay consistent
The difficult thing about an on-off relationship is the inconsistency of both parties. If you give in much more often than you would like and swallow your needs, you should remain vigilant. As soon as you assert yourself, you will encounter resistance because your partner is not used to this and then the argument begins immediately.
Observe this behavior; if it happens every time you express your opinion, remain consistent and draw a line under it.
8. Ending on-off relationships requires communication
Communication is a big problem in an on-off relationship. To get out of this mess, you need to learn to communicate and clearly say what you want. If the other person does not share these views, desires, or needs, you know what to do.
How to turn an on-off relationship into a stable relationship
1. Overcome your fear of commitment
Be open about the issue and share your fears and concerns with your partner. You want to experience more of those wonderful, dreamlike moments. Before things descend into another negative phase of separation or breakup, overcome your fears and talk to each other.
2. Clear communication
You are so in love with each other, but neither of you dares to speak up? The uncertainty and retreat into single life are too great. If you want a stable relationship, you need to get rid of these insecurities and clearly communicate what you want. This is how you take the first step out of your toxic relationship and into a healthy and stable partnership.
3. Strengthen your emotional bond
The constant on-and-off nature of your relationship has created emotional insecurity. Trust suffers particularly as a result. If you want to ensure emotional stability, you should tell your partner more about how you feel and how you are doing, while also giving compliments.
This will help you rebuild your emotional bond and give your relationship a chance.
