The secret to happy relationships: certified psychologist Andrea Simmer reveals how to make happiness last
Finding the right partner is hard enough. But sometimes it's even harder to stay together. LemonSwan psychologist Andrea Simmer reveals in an expert interview why there are more and more singles and relationships are becoming shorter and shorter. She also gives tips on what each individual can do to make love last and have a happy relationship.
Can you explain why the number of singles continues to rise?
Being single is now socially acceptable. Admitting that you live alone is simply no longer the end of the world. Singles have a good network, especially in big cities, and derive great flexibility from their relationship status.
I think this is a very positive development toward “single competence.” At the same time, however, this single competence leads to a disturbing self-centeredness. In concrete terms, this means that the people affected have become tired of adapting and their ability to compromise is steadily declining. As soon as the initial feelings of infatuation subside, many decide to take the easier path: separation—without compromise. This robs love of any opportunity to grow with its challenges and develop into a long-term, happy relationship. What a shame!
But since it is also not desirable to be unhappy in a relationship, it helps to learn to endure less rosy situations from time to time.
Have love and happy relationships changed significantly over the past 15 years?
I notice that young people in particular often doubt themselves and their relationships. This self-doubt has increased significantly over the years. The result is more frequent partner changes. This change is directly related to social developments. Women feel a strong need to know that their professional success is “secure” before they commit themselves and enter into a long-term, happy relationship.
What does this mean for our society? Where do you see us in 10 years?
I think the trend toward increasing numbers of single people will continue to grow. Silver and golden wedding anniversaries are slowly dying out as the half-life of relationships remains low. We are already seeing new types of relationships and living arrangements emerging that are geared toward changing needs. One thing remains the same: the strong desire for a happy partnership.
Despite our longing, it doesn't work out. Do we all suffer from “relationship incompetence”?
In general, I wouldn't call it relationship incompetence. Rather, the problem is a strong focus on the self: our own pursuit of success, status, and recognition—a lot of energy is spent on this. These behaviors make a long-term happy relationship much more difficult because singles, in their self-centeredness, do not respond sufficiently to others and their needs.
Was everything better in the past? Is there anything we can learn from our grandparents?
We can learn from our grandparents' willingness to compromise. Those who question their own expectations and put aside the question of blame will benefit greatly in their relationship. The motto is: reflect on yourself, persevere, stick with it, and ultimately stay together.
Unfortunately, many couples still separate. Single mothers seem to be the main losers in this situation (85 percent of single parents are women and more than 40 percent receive Hartz IV benefits). What needs to change?
Women who decide to have a family and children should try to stay on track professionally. The key is to create participation. A burden shared is a burden halved—it is not enough to share tasks only when the relationship or marriage is already in trouble. After all, it is the children who suffer most.
Do children suffer more from separations today?
In general, children's well-being depends on their parents' behavior. Do both parents treat each other with respect? Do they make it clear to their child that they don't have to choose between them? These factors in particular determine or jeopardize children's development.
At the same time, society has become more accepting of separations and divorces. As a result, children from different family structures are no longer marginalized.
Ms. Simmer, let's get down to brass tacks: What are the most common reasons for breakups?
The number one reason why a happy relationship falls apart is, as you might expect, an affair. Only very few of those who have been cheated on manage to forgive this misstep and start over.
Jealousy or restrictive behavior, as well as professional failure on the part of one partner, are also common causes of breakups. Last but not least, declining sexuality is also a crisis issue that often leads to breakups.
How do different generations cope with separation?
Due to the aforementioned single competence, the younger generation finds it easier to deal with separations or affairs. They are experienced in being single and are therefore used to changing relationships more frequently.
On the other hand, I repeatedly see a desire among the 50+ generation to save relationships that have been happy for so long, but they find it difficult to forgive.
What are your personal tips for a happy relationship?
Treat each other with mutual respect and appreciation. Don't take anything for granted in your relationship.
Listen and pay attention—this creates closeness.
Create experiences together or cook your partner's favorite meal as a surprise—this creates intimacy, trust, and connection.
Communicate in a balanced way, i.e., arguments are allowed as long as they are not destructive.
Remember the beginning of the relationship and the effort you put into it. Many people find it difficult to make a continuous effort, but it's worth it!
I've made a note of the tips! Now I'm interested in what men can learn from women and what women can learn from us.
Women are usually more communicative and want to talk about their feelings. Men can learn something from this and learn to listen actively and participate in communication.
On the other hand, men are often more willing to compromise and less resentful. They are more likely to accept certain idiosyncrasies in women. Many women interpret this as superficial, but it is a very good solution strategy. Women would do well to take a leaf out of their book here.
Most people find it difficult to learn from these areas of life and keep making the same mistakes. What is your advice?
The majority of “repeat offenders” are people who have short-term relationships over and over again. They always reach their limits when it comes to taking the step towards a deeper relationship. These people always see the “fault for the failure” in the other person. In my coaching sessions, they then recognize their own part in it and that it is not about “blame.” My tip: First, explore yourself and understand yourself and your behavior.
Because the more self-centered a person is, the more often the relationship fails and the relationship status will sooner or later always be “single.”
This is exactly the trend we want to reverse with LemonSwan, and we are delighted to have you on board as our psychological expert. Thank you very much for the exciting insights and helpful tips. I will pass on to my wife that she should be less resentful in future and apply my solution strategies.
