Benching—What's behind this nasty dating trend
Being newly in love is a wonderful feeling. You're on cloud nine and feel like you could hug the whole world. But what if this supposed great love is just a nasty dating scam? We explain exactly what benching is, how you can tell if you've been benched, and how you should best respond as a victim of benching.
What is benching?
The term “benching” is derived from the English word “bench,” which means a seat or a substitute seat. And that's exactly what it's all about: Benching is a stalling tactic in which the victim is simply put “on the back burner” or “on the substitute bench.” With sweet messages, occasional phone calls, or maybe even a meeting now and then, the benching victim is led to believe that there is interest and thus given (false) hope.
In reality, you are just one of several acquaintances who are being kept warm as a possible option. Pretty nasty! This tactic of “keeping warm” or “putting off” is, of course, not an entirely new invention. It has been around for a long time. But just like ghosting, breadcrumbing, or stashing, it is a dating trend that is spreading particularly rapidly in the digital age. Social networks, online dating portals, and the like make it very easy for us to string several people along at the same time without them knowing about each other. Dating is becoming more anonymous and it is easier to evade responsibility for one's actions.
Important to know: Benching should not be confused with ghosting. With benching, you are “only” being strung along. Just when you are about to give up, he gets in touch with you again, rekindling your hope that it might work out after all. With ghosting, on the other hand, the perpetrator suddenly breaks off contact after an often wonderful getting-to-know-you phase and never gets in touch with you again. Your dream partner then becomes a ghost, leaving you feeling abandoned.
Recognizing benching—8 clear signs
Recognizing benching is not that easy. Most of the time, the perpetrators are very clever. They know how to wrap someone around their finger and are never at a loss for excuses. These 8 signs will help you recognize benching:
1. No concrete answers
If you ask him a specific question, you will never get a concrete answer. He prefers to gloss over the situation with a funny remark and then quickly change the subject.
2. Only short-term commitments
You also get vague answers when it comes to dating. He prefers to remain non-committal and only gives answers like “maybe in the next few days” or “next week might work.” He always gives you an exact date or time shortly before the meeting.
3. Mainly online contact
A particularly typical sign of benching is that contact mainly takes place online. He regularly sends you sweet messages, likes your pictures, or calls you sporadically. However, when it comes to actually meeting up, he prefers to quickly make excuses.
4. Never at a loss for excuses
“Sorry I didn't reply, but I've been really stressed out the last few days!” or “I thought about you all weekend, but unfortunately I was too busy to write to you.” Is your new acquaintance a world champion when it comes to excuses? That could also be an early sign of benching.
5. Strange gut feeling
You're newly in love, floating on cloud nine, and seeing everything through rose-colored glasses. But despite all this infatuation, you still have a strange gut feeling? Don't just ignore it, but investigate it. If we have a strange feeling about something, there's almost always something to it.
6. He gives you lots of compliments
Have you noticed that he gives you an above-average number of compliments? Benchers are usually particularly good at wrapping people around their little finger and getting themselves out of trouble with a little charm and a handful of compliments.
7. The getting-to-know-you phase is taking quite a long time
You met over six months ago, you've been texting constantly ever since and you talk on the phone regularly, but when you ask to meet up, he quickly makes excuses? Either he has commitment issues or you've just been benched.
8. He doesn't introduce you to his friends
Even though you've known each other for some time now, you still know very little about his social circle? This is also typical of benching, because if he introduced you to his friends, he would have to commit and make the relationship official.
Why do people engage in benching? - 6 reasons
Benching is currently very popular. But why are more and more people tending to avoid committing to one person and prefer to keep several options open? This is mainly due to the following reasons:
1. Stalling is easier than rejection
Of course, getting rejected hurts! But it's not a pleasant situation for the person doing the rejecting either. Who likes to hurt someone else?
Benching naturally provides a good opportunity to avoid this unpleasant step. However, the constant stalling and uncertainty about whether your feelings are reciprocated is often much more hurtful than a clear rejection.
2. Fear of commitment
Many people who engage in benching don't do so consciously or with malicious intent. They simply suffer from a fear of commitment and are therefore unable to truly engage in a relationship.
By benching, they circumvent their own fears in a nasty way.
3. Benching for self-esteem
Probably the meanest type of benching is when the perpetrators only pretend to be single, but in reality they are already in a committed relationship and shamelessly exploit your affection to boost their own ego.
4. It's a generational issue
When it comes to the question of the reasons for benching, you often hear the theory: “It's just a generational issue!” This refers primarily to Generation Y (born between 1980 and 1995), which is often referred to as the so-called “Generation Maybe”.
Having grown up in the age of smartphones, social media, and the like, they often no longer learn what commitment means. Canceling 5 minutes before the meeting? No problem today with a quick WhatsApp message. And if someone asks them something they don't want to answer, they just leave it—after all, who can prove later that they actually read the message?
5. Benching due to insecurity
Another common reason for benching is insecurity. The person is unsure of themselves, has self-doubt, and is very afraid of being rejected. That's why they prefer to keep several options open in the hope that at least one of them will work out.
6. Those who bench don't have to decide
What do I actually want? Do I prefer to be single, in a committed relationship, or somewhere in between? Often, benchers themselves don't have a real answer to this question and therefore keep all options open by benching.
Benching victims – how should I respond?
We always think, “That will never happen to me!” And now it has: you've been benched! But how should you respond if you suspect that you've been benched? The best approach is as follows:
1. Don't be ashamed
The first step is to be honest with yourself and admit that you've been benched. Not an easy task! Especially if you've already developed feelings for the person. But deep down, you know that holding on to this relationship will not make you happy in the long run.
2. Make a clear statement
Being benched is never pleasant and always hurts your self-esteem. The first instinct is often revenge. Thoughts like “I'll just bench him too!” or “I'll never contact him again!” quickly come to mind. But that just puts you on the same level as the bencher!
The much more mature alternative is to confront him. Demand a clear statement.
Ask him what exactly he is looking for, why he doesn't want to meet with you and always makes vague statements. Explain to him that you feel strung along and don't see a future for either of you if this continues. Maybe he can give you a valid reason for his behavior and you can find a solution together.
3. End the benching
If there is no explanation for his behavior, then that's the time to give him the boot! If he's not capable of making decisions, then just make them for him.
As hard as it may be, you won't be happy with someone who only sees you as one of many options. So protect yourself from getting hurt.
4. Ask yourself, “Why?”
To prevent this from happening again, the last step is to ask yourself why you were benched. If I'm being benched, it means I'm letting myself be benched!" Of course, it's not quite that simple. Quickly get the idea out of your head that it's your own fault.
But even if it's not your fault, you shouldn't put yourself in the position of a victim. If you make yourself a victim, you make yourself weak and vulnerable, and you'll fall prey to the perpetrator again next time.
Conclusion: Benching can happen to anyone
In summary: Unfortunately, benching can happen to anyone. And no matter which side you're on, whether you're the one stringing someone along or you're the one being benched, no one is happy with this dating tactic. Don't put yourself in the role of the victim or simply blame social media.
Instead, take responsibility for your own actions. Don't be afraid to openly communicate your wishes and needs during the getting-to-know-you phase, and don't let yourself be strung along by someone who doesn't deserve you!
