The fallback trap—5 signs and 4 tips to avoid it
Beware of rebound relationships! After a breakup, many people tend to seek distraction. This can take the form of loving conversations and exciting activities with friends or new projects and hobbies. All of these things are perfect for distracting yourself from heartbreak. There are also those who jump straight into the next relationship, even though they haven't yet processed the pain of the last breakup. If you meet someone like this, you often find yourself as a rebound. These 5 signs will tell you that you are just a placeholder. And, of course, we'll also tell you how you can free yourself from a rebound relationship.
Why we look for stopgaps
A painful breakup – most of us have experienced this at some point. When a relationship breaks down, it's usually not associated with pleasant feelings and memories. We feel hurt, lonely, and maybe even a little disappointed that the relationship just didn't work out. When your heart hurts, you need a distraction. Of course! And that can take many different forms. Sometimes a warm cup of tea, the cozy feeling of a hot water bottle, and a good movie are enough.
Sometimes we need action, so we meet up with friends or look for new tasks and projects. It's just unfortunate when the “project” is a new love affair. Because if you rush into a new relationship before you've processed the breakup, you run the risk of not only hurting the other person's feelings, but also lying to yourself. That's not a good basis for a relationship. Openness and sincere feelings are essential for a functioning partnership.
5 signs that you are just a stopgap
1. You are the consolation prize
You feel that you are not in a relationship as a couple, but as a threesome, because your partner constantly talks about their ex. They are probably the one who was dumped and are still mourning the end of their last relationship. Your partner can't stop talking about past experiences with their ex or even starts making comparisons. They constantly try to analyze why the relationship broke down, and you feel like you're just a shoulder to cry on.
2. The exciting diversion
It often happens that desire or attraction fades in a relationship. This is especially common when the relationship has been going on for a while and needs or feelings are not communicated regularly. Then, for example, issues such as sex or lack of attention can become a constant source of conflict. When a breakup occurs, some people look for an exciting pastime. This gives them the feeling of being able to live out their sexuality, and they enjoy being desired, loved, and attractive. These things are indications that you are just an exciting diversion:
Your relationship is mainly limited to the physical, and deep conversations hardly ever happen.
When you receive compliments, they usually only refer to your appearance.
Your relationship seems to be very superficial in general.
3. The stopgap ego boost
This type of stopgap relationship is particularly fatal, as it is only about validating the other person. Your partner enjoys the full attention you give them. In general, this is a rather one-sided type of relationship, because you will notice that he/she talks a lot about himself/herself and listens to you very little in return. He/she does not seem to have much interest in your life and appears inattentive or distracted when it comes to you.
4. Your counterpart cannot be alone
Humans are very social beings and one of our main needs is closeness and social contact. This is because when we experience a lot of affection, we release the “cuddle hormone” oxytocin. This promotes our well-being, makes us more sensitive, approachable, and happier. So it's no wonder that we don't want to miss out on this feeling. However, you should be careful as soon as you sense that the main reason for being together is that the other person cannot cope on their own. This often happens when you have just come out of a very long relationship and have “forgotten” how to spend time with yourself.
5. The stalling technique
Someone who has just broken up may not be ready to enter into a new committed relationship right away. That's perfectly fine, but it's still no reason to keep someone waiting and in the dark. You can tell that you're just being strung along by the following signs:
He/she shies away from commitments and plans for the future.
You don't know any of his/her friends or relatives.
He/she avoids conversations about his/her “status.”
Escape the stopgap trap – these 4 tips will help
But what should you do if you find yourself in a stopgap situation?
1. Communicate!
First and foremost, it is important to seek an open conversation with your counterpart. It's best not to bring up the subject in an argument or in passing. Choose a quiet and relaxed moment and try to discuss this rather emotional topic calmly and without judgment.
2. Share your needs and feelings
Discussing a topic without judgment does not mean putting yourself and your feelings on the back burner. Share what you want and need in a functioning partnership.
3. Be sincere
Now is not the right time to downplay your feelings. Be sincere and direct. Sometimes it takes a little courage to tell the other person how you really feel. But it is precisely this transparency that is important in order to assess the situation properly and, if necessary, draw conclusions from it.
4. Make a decision
Despite extensive discussions, do you still not feel that this relationship has a serious future in which you would be happy? Then you should make a decision urgently and promptly and, if necessary, end the relationship. Even if it's difficult!
Conclusion: A stopgap relationship has no future in the long term
Anyone who realizes that they are in a stopgap relationship should urgently seek a conversation and, in case of doubt, always decide for themselves. Because being just a placeholder or a pastime is not a basis on which a healthy and long-term relationship can be built.
