Finding a new partner: Why common ground is crucial
Want to find a new partner? Tired of being alone? Has your search for the right partner been unsuccessful so far? Don't worry, we'll tell you how to find a partner. Read on to find out how your personality and that of your potential partner influence the start of a relationship.
Birds of a feather flock together – or do opposites attract?
Opposites attract? Not quite! Numerous studies in relationship psychology show that long-term couples often resemble each other down to the last detail. So from now on, it's more likely to be the case that the more similar a couple is, the more lasting and happier their relationship will be. As we slowly approach our thirties, the question of finding a high-quality partner becomes increasingly urgent: Where and how can I find a partner with whom I want to share my life, someone I will still smile at dreamily in three years' time, despite the unwashed laundry and the toothpaste tube left open? Will I find them online?
Exciting contrasts
Opposites can attract—at first, because when people complement each other, they often feel particularly enriched and happy when they are in love. But so-called “fatal attraction” blinds us to each other's weaknesses and, in the initial phase of infatuation, leads us to believe that we benefit from our differences and dissimilarities. Couples with too many differences often clash in everyday life after the initial phase of infatuation. In the intoxication of passion, we humans are simply blind to the true nature—and also the idiosyncrasies—of our partner. But love is more than just exciting feelings. One thing counts above all else: security. And that is closely linked to the similarity between two partners, because the more similar the other person is to us, the more we can understand and predict their behavior.
Decisive similarities
Hauke loves to cheer on 1. FC Köln with his friends in the garden on Saturdays – Laura prefers to go to the spa on Saturdays and pamper herself. Lars enjoys being served several courses in a three-star restaurant – Anja loves good food, but at the little Italian restaurant around the corner. Such small differences can provide exciting fuel for the fire. So the rule is: similarities are the basis, and a little pinch of differences provides variety. Relationship researchers have found that we look for a partner who shares as many characteristics and attitudes as possible with us. According to this, partnerships work well when there is similarity in the three personality traits: agreeableness, conscientiousness, and openness. And the researchers go even further: only those partnerships survive in which the views match.
Finding a partner on equal footing
For sophisticated singles, finding a partner after the age of 30 can be a challenge—university days are over, and it's not as easy to make new acquaintances in “real life” as it is on campus. When it comes to relationships between two people, research today has a clear answer: birds of a feather flock together—especially in the long run.
We are happier in relationships when we share many things with our partner: life goals, values, cultural interests, and intellectual background. With an online dating service that takes these findings into account, you increase your chances of finding your dream partner. This is because the personality test uses psychologically based questionnaires to assess values as well as communication behavior, conflict management skills, empathy, and stress management. The matching process then brings together partners with a high degree of compatibility.
Finding a new partner: The five-factor model
Do you prefer being around lots of people or staying at home on your own? Do you get angry quickly, or do you resolve conflicts calmly? In other words: What kind of personality do you have? Psychologists generally define personality as “all the defining characteristics of a person.” This distinguishes personality from ‘character’ and “temperament,” which are seen as part of the overall personality: Character refers to the characteristics that are expressed in an individual's actions, while temperament refers to the specific way in which an individual reacts.
This raises the question of how a person's personality can be systematically assessed, since it is impossible to cover thousands of characteristics in a questionnaire, for example. Over time, the five-factor model, also known as the big five, has emerged. According to this model, there are five key personality traits that are sometimes highly pronounced and sometimes less so, depending on the individual:
1. Extraversion
Typical characteristics of extroverted people are talkativeness and assertiveness. They are active, energetic, dominant, enthusiastic, and adventurous. At the other end of the spectrum are the more introverted people, who prefer small groups and more peace and quiet.
2. Agreeableness
This refers to social compatibility, consideration, and empathy. It is described with terms such as compassionate, warm, helpful, cooperative, and forgiving. People with low scores in this dimension are more skeptical of their fellow human beings and usually put their own needs first.
3. Conscientiousness
Conscientious people are characterized by orderliness, a sense of duty, punctuality, and discipline. They behave responsibly and work in a determined and resolute manner.
4. Neuroticism
This dimension measures the tendency toward emotionality and sensitivity. People with high scores in this dimension tend to be insecure, easily embarrassed, and easily irritated. People with low neuroticism scores are more emotionally stable and not as easily irritable.
5. Openness to experience
People with high scores in this dimension are open-minded, inventive, creative, and intellectually curious. They are open to new ideas, interested in aesthetics, and value variety over habit.
These basic characteristics can be easily assessed in personality tests, which has made it possible to prove relatively quickly that they are valid worldwide. This means that whether in Jena or Japan, all people can be classified according to the five-factor model. Incidentally, the traits do not imply any value judgment, but serve solely for descriptive purposes—for example, someone who scores high on the openness trait is by no means a “better person.”
In relationship research, psychologists have also found that similarities in personality traits are an important factor for a happy partnership—especially in the following dimensions:
Agreeableness
Conscientiousness
Openness to experience
Reputable dating agencies usually work with scientifically based questionnaires, which are used to determine similarities in personality dimensions. This means that you will only be suggested partners with similar scores in the above-mentioned key characteristics.
Where can I find a new partner?
The key to finding your dream partner lies within yourself! Before you start looking for a partner, it's important to get to know yourself better and figure out what you're actually looking for. In your mid-20s, it's still an exciting game: there's excitement and butterflies, and you have all the time in the world to see if something serious develops. If not, you continue the search.
In your early 30s, that changes, and other values slowly become important. Do you like to stay at home in the evenings and are you a rather quiet person? Then you would probably not be very happy in the long run with a communicative clubber. It's different when it comes to dominance: if you are a rather dominant person, you will probably get along better in the long run with a partner who tends to be submissive. Even if changing dominance and submission can create excitement in the short term.
1. Take your happiness into your own hands
Don't worry, you're not alone: many people dream of happiness as a couple, but the dream partner is nowhere in sight. In today's world, characterized by rapid communication and an abundance of possibilities, it no longer seems so easy to find the right person. But it's not hopeless – with our simple tips, you can achieve your dreams:
2. Finding a new partner means making decisions!
Today, we like to live in the subjunctive: everything could, should, would, could have, might have been possible. Put an end to this and use the categorical indicative: I am looking for my dream partner. This is an important shift for your subconscious; you appear determined and clear in your goals.
3. Make peace with the past
It's Sunday evening, and you're sitting alone on the sofa watching the news. A quiet desire arises in you to have your former partner around you right now. Especially in moments when we feel lonely, we tend to romanticize the past. Or we start to ponder what really went wrong. Leave the past where it belongs, namely behind you. Look ahead. And discover new partners with whom you can start a new relationship.
4. Be good to yourself
The recipe is actually quite simple: be good to yourself and take yourself and your needs seriously. Then other people will perceive you in the same way, and you will attract potential partners who mean well by you too.
5. Try new things
Flirt on the train, let others set you up, sign up for an online dating service—challenge yourself and try everything that broadens your horizons and brings you a little closer to your goal.
6. Finding a new partner: Don't give up
It's unlikely that your dream partner will ring your doorbell right now and you'll ride off into the sunset together. See the search as a valuable experience! Even if things don't go smoothly with a contact, you shouldn't give up right away. There is always room to grow together, it just takes a little time.
The five-factor modelDo you prefer to be around lots of people or at home on your own? Do you get angry quickly or do you resolve conflicts calmly? In other words: what kind of personality do you have?
